


Indie Cake: The Famous Indie Game Crossover

by xandermartin98



Category: Shovel Knight, Super Mario Bros., Super Meat Boy, 洞窟物語 | Cave Story
Genre: Cake, Crack Crossover, Crossover, Crossover Pairings, Cultural References, Cute Kids, Fanfiction, Gen, Knights - Freeform, M/M, Male Slash, Parody, Satire, Shovel Talk, Trains, Video & Computer Games
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-14
Updated: 2015-11-14
Packaged: 2018-05-01 12:30:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 18,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5205956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xandermartin98/pseuds/xandermartin98
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This story is basically Cave Story, Shovel Knight, Super Meat Boy, and various other video games satirized and blended together into a deliciously hilarious, charming and action-packed smoothie. </p><p>And at the heart of it all is a nice, big, scrumptious cake and a freaking adorable shipping of Shovel Knight paired with Jack from Cave Story. </p><p>What are you waiting for? Start reading already!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

1 - Prologue

The year was 2015 on the miserable speck of dust we humans call Earth. For many years, legends had told of a grand prophecy, a prophecy that would render the world in unanimous disbelief for many decades. It was a prophecy that would end up reinforcing the infamous "the cake is a lie" meme more than anyone could have ever previously imagined.

It was known as the one and only Grand Prophecy of the Indie Cake. In this prophecy, it was said that one day, on the exact day of Cave Story's 11th anniversary, an unknown team of famous indie game heroes would band together against the forces of mainstream evil and reign victorious, even baking a delicious birthday cake whilst doing so.

And at exactly noon on that very special Sunday that was December 20th of 2015, when not moon nor sun had risen, something very strange happened. When people sat down to replay their favorite big-name indie games, the games suddenly wouldn't work! Reddit and all of its subreddits immediately exploded with questions and discussions about this bizarre occurrence, trying to figure out exactly what might have caused it.

Eventually, after about maybe 500 upvotes and at least 2,500 downvotes, Reddit's user community concluded that there was no logical reason why this was happening; however, numerous theories were jokingly made about how the characters of those games perhaps might have been on a day off or something. Let me tell you, they had no idea how right they were.

The dimension in which this story shall now take place is one of video games, of the wonder and excitement that they provide. So get set, strap in, and insert all your coins to me!


	2. Enter the Multiverse!

2 - Enter the Multiverse!

The video game multiverse was a very bizarre and interesting place where almost anything could happen. 

All kinds of video game characters from far and wide walked the streets of its metropolitan New Zork City, the sky there was hot pink, all of the fish in the lakes and rivers and oceans had Phil Fish's face on them, and in many cases, real-life logic did not apply. 

Apart from that, however, this alternate dimension was pretty much more or less the exact same as regular Earth, only with more superheroes.

However, for every superhero, there is also a supervillain, and never has that law rang more true than it does invideo games. 

Still, while mainstream video game characters have always generally been known for being...well, mainstream, indie game characters usually prefer to just do their own thing, reflecting the typical style of indie games themselves.

And that's exactly what the characters of this story, especially the villains, will most definitely be doing...which is why we will now immediately cut straight to the main villains' point of view. 

After taking over Microsoft's corporate HQ (Microsoft Tower), which was an enormous floating skyscraper castle situated directly above the dead center of New Zork City in this dimension, the three of them were having a very important meeting in the manager's office up on the top floor.

From Cave Story, we have the Doctor (a white-lab-coated, bespectacled, blue-jeaned man who wears a stupid-looking blue cube hat with a bleeding red eyeball on the front of it), who was currently self-employed as the head manager and was sitting in his cushy throne at the front desk. 

From Super Meat Boy, we have Dr. Fetus (an evil fetus in a tuxedo-wearing jar), who was sitting in one of the side chairs, twiddling his thumbs angrily. 

Last but not least, from Shovel Knight, we have Black Knight (a dark clone of Shovel Knight), who was standing in the middle of the room and meeting the Doctor's gaze with a devious smirk.

"Greetings, my dear acquaintances." the Doctor greeted his accomplices, crossing his legs atop the table andinterlocking his hands together smugly as lightning cracked the sky loudly in the ginormous window right behind him. "Real nice weather we're having this morning, eh?"

"Man, F*** YOU!" Dr. Fetus yelled, flipping him off angrily.

"I can certainly see why no one likes Dr. Fetus." Black Knight snickered, folding his arms together and shooting Dr. Fetus a death glare.

"SHUT THE HELL UP!" Dr. Fetus yelled at him. "YOU KNOW I HAVE TOURETTE'S SYNDROME, YOU F***ING DUMBASS!"

"You wanna fight me, asshole?!" Black Knight growled back at him, raising his Dark Shovel Blade furiously.

"YOU DO KNOW THAT IF YOU SWING THAT F***ING THING AT ME ONE MORE GODDAMNED TIME THEN I AM GOING TO F***ING NUKE YOUR S***-SUCKING BALLS OFF AND BLOW YOU INTO MOTHERF***ING OBLIVION, RIGHT?!" Dr. Fetus raged back at him, pulling a remote control out of his pocket and threatening to press the nuke button on it. 

"GUYS!" the Doctor yelled at them. "You should know by now that violence is NEVER the answer!"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T AGREE WITH ME?! DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE F***ING DEALING WITH?!" Dr. Fetus screamed at him, slamming his fist onto the nuke button.

"Congratulations, you just exploded Phil Fish's house. Here is your cab fare." the remote control informed him, dispensing $4.20 into his hand. "Oh, and if you seriously need instructions on how to f*** yourself, then just go and f*** yourself."

"STUPID LOUSY PIECE OF S***!" Dr. Fetus yelled, throwing the device onto the ground. 

"I'M F***ING SICK AND TIRED OF ALL THIS IDIOTIC BULLS***! FIRST, MY ARCHNEMESIS MEAT BOY, A BLOODY F***ING CUBE OF SLIPPERY RED MEAT WITH LIMBS, SOMEHOW MANAGES TO ACHIEVE 106% COMPLETION ON MY BRILLIANTLY DESIGNED GAME THAT I MORE OR LESS OFFICIALLY DEEMED IMPOSSIBLE TO EVEN GET 100% ON, THEN I ACCIDENTALLY NUKE THE WRONG F***ING BUILDING?! GOD, I HATE MY F***ING LIFE..." Dr. Fetus sobbed.

"Normally, I would surmise that your pathetically miserable life is of little or no concern to us; however, you are a very important part of our team now. Get your goddamned act together and WORK with us!" the Doctor warned him. " Now, look, everyone, here's our plan." he began.

"You know how our archnemeses are currently planning to bake a world-changing cake for Cave Story's 11th anniversary, correct?" the Doctor asked. "Well, we also have basically the exact same plan. However, the difference is that they plan to use said cake's power to change the video game industry for good. And after seeing what passes for GOOD in video games nowadays, I'm pretty sure we have all more or less officially settled on the general conclusion that we won't STAND for that lame and prissy hogwash anymore, correct?"

"YOU CAN BET YOUR CHOCOLATE-COVERED ASS ON IT!" Dr. Fetus agreed.

"Count me in with extreme prejudice, my lord!" Black Knight also agreed.

"Don't you see what these so-called protagonists are DOING to us?" the Doctor explained. "Largely thanks to the efforts of these goody-goody two-shoes mongrels, us villains and heroes alike are all stuck in this miserable corporate life cycle where we all have to blindly hope that our games become popular enough to earn enough money and fan support for us to survive!"

"No wonder Cave Story is so goddamned overrated..." Black Knight muttered under his breath.

"Ha! Undertale? More like S***ty UnderWEAR!" Dr. Fetus snickered.

"What was that?" the Doctor glared at them.

"Oh, uh, NOTHING! Heh!" Black Knight and Dr. Fetus stammered.

"Anyway," the Doctor continued, "there just might be a way for us to fix this problem once and for all, my friends."

"AND EXACTLY HOW IN THE F*** ARE WE GONNA DO THAT?!" Dr. Fetus asked politely.

"Simple." the Doctor cackled. "Perhaps even elementary, I dare say. WE KILL THE HEROES."

"And then we steal their oh-so precious belongings, right?" Black Knight asked, putting his hands together in prayer. "Oh, Lord Satan, PLEASE tell me we get to steal their riches and sell their clothes on Ebay..."

"THOSE DAMNED HYPOCRITES ARE GOING TO GET WHAT'S COMING TO 'EM! JUST YOU WAIT!" Dr. Fetus laughed.

"Precisely, my clinically insane colleague." the Doctor chortled. "Before those pathetic, ignorant neanderthals even realize what hit them, they will all be dead, and we villains shall be free, free from the conflict, free from the restrictions of human industry, free to ROAM! We shall be FREE! FREE! FREEEEEEEEEE!!!" the Doctor laughed hysterically.

"We shall take this world by STORM!" Black Knight cheered as lightning raged in the sky.

"AND WE AREN'T BRINGING ANY F***ING UMBRELLAS, BITCHES!" Dr. Fetus laughed.

"YOUR JOKE ISN'T THAT FUNNY, TRY HARDER!" Black Knight laughed even harder.

"COUGH! WHEEZE!" the Doctor choked on saliva and mucus from how hard he was laughing. "Yes...we...shall be freer...THAN CAVE STORY'S ORIGINAL RELEASE!"

"Yes, the original release. Good times." Black Knight remembered.

"YEAH, BEFORE THEY CHARGED FOURTY F***ING DOLLARS FOR THE 3D VERSION!" Dr. Fetus pointed out.

"Indeed, that was a travesty..." the Doctor groaned, facepalming. "Well, regardless, LET'S GET ROLLING!"

"With my ambition..." the Doctor began.

"And my brainpower..." Dr. Fetus continued.

"And my BLADE..." Black Knight cackled.

"WE SHALL BE VICTORIOUS TO THE ELEVENTH POWER!" the three of them yelled in unison.

Meanwhile, the four main heroes were having their own discussion in a public high school auditorium. 

From Cave Story, we have Quote, a robotic, very short, blue-eyed man with a black tank top, red jeans, a red hat with a metal plate on the forehead, green antennae headphones for ears, and a green scarf...as well as Jack, a random Mimiga (lop-eared, white-furred, ridiculously cute anthropomorphic bunny rabbit) NPC with a brown Russian cube hat, big green nerd glasses, a green hoodless sleeveless jacket, and a belt with several suspicious-looking pouches on it.

From Shovel Knight, we have Shovel Knight (a blue-armored knight who wields a shovel sword as his main weapon of choice) and Meat Boy (who is just as Dr. Fetus said, a cube of bloody raw meat with limbs).

"..." Quote greeted the audience.

"Come on, asshole, SAY something!" Jack whispered in his ear. "What are you, Gordon Freeman?"

"Ahem..pardon my shyness." Quote addressed the audience.

"Oh my god, he finally SPOKE! EVERYONE, EVACUATE THE BUILDING! THE ENTIRE FREAKING WORLD IS COMING TO AN END!" Gordon Freeman yelled in the audience.

"Geez, YOU sure are one to talk!" Master Chief, who was sitting right next to him, snickered at him, causing the entire audience to gasp loudly with shock.

"JESUS CHRIST, ENOUGH ALREADY!" Jack yelled at the audience, silencing them. "Now please LISTEN to what we have to SAY, you fricking fricks!"

"Oh, don't even REMIND me of that fricking kid..." Sonic groaned in the audience.

"Anyway, greetings, audience. I would like to HUMBLY inform you that-"

"Hey, WAIT a minute!" Jack interrupted Quote's speech mid-sentence. "Why is it that YOU got your own damned STATUE in Central Park and none of US did? Like ME, for example? Or Shovel Knight?" he asked, pointing to Shovel Knight, who was standing right behind him. "You egotistical douche!"

"Indeed, my fabulous gallantry must not go hereby unnoticed!" Shovel Knight laughed, chugging down half a keg of beer and burping loudly in front of the audience, causing Jack to vomit from the sheer stench of Shovel Knight's breath.

"And now that my formerly aching stomach's finally been relieved of that damned burrito I ate at Taco Bell a few hours ago...hell...why not even Meat Boy?" Jack asked, wiping his mouth off with his hand and then wiping it on his clothes.

"Meat Boy is second best platformer character ever! Meat Boy want hugs!" Meat Boy agreed, hugging Jack and getting blood all over the poor boy's clothes as a result of doing so.

"You know, I'll admit, this fashion suits me rather well indeed. There's totally nothing wrong with unintentionally looking like a damned hobo in public. My goodness, what a truly fabulous look for a total gaywad like myself!" Jack cringed, his voice dripping with even more sarcasm than Meat Boy's body was dripping blood.

"Oh, come on, don't salt wound!" Meat Boy encouraged him.

"GUYS!" Quote yelled at them. "Do you have any idea, ANY IDEA, who you're talking to?"

"No." Shovel Knight said flatly, hanging his head in shame.

"BASICALLY, I'm KIND OF a big deal!" Quote reminded everyone.

"Oh, for f***'s sake, here he goes again..." Jack sighed.

"Alright, you listening?" Quote asked the audience. "Link grows, fairies fly, Master Sword shines, and brother...I'm the indie equivalent of the freaking Hero of Time!"

"HA! Fat chance!" Link laughed in the audience.

"He's more like me anyway." Samus whispered in his ear.

"I'm an ocarina of TIME!" Quote boasted, pulling out his ocarina and playing the Song Of Storms for at least thetwentieth time that day before throwing it at Jack and knocking him out.

"HEAD SHOT!" Duke Nukem snickered in the audience.

"If you were from where I was from, you'd be f***ing DEAD!" Quote explained, pulling out his handgun and pointingit at the audience. "GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY! Nah, just kidding. Man, what a bunch of JOKERS you guys are!"

"You can say that again!" the Joker laughed in the audience before being punched in the face by Batman. "It was worth it!"

"I gotta say, I'm really digging this show so far!" Shovel Knight laughed as Jack regained consciousness and got back up onto his plushy three-toed feet. "Beer and jolly banter, what more could you ask for?"

"We make a PERFECT team!" Quote explained, briefly removing his hat and causing several fangirls in the audience to literally cream their pants in the process. Shovel Knight also did the same with his helmet, sadlygenerating a much lesser response.

"Bloody brilliant!" Meat Boy cheered as Shovel Knight squeezed Jack half to death, causing the audience to go "Aww!"

"Oh, wow, you took your freaking HATS off! Oh, look, I can do it TOO, you know!" Jack groaned as he took his own hat off, revealing his hair that looked like it had combed with a rake and run over by a truck and being pelted with tomatoes by the audience as a result.

"Uh, what exactly was the POINT of this assembly again?" Jack asked, wiping the tomato juice and seeds off of his face angrily. "The only BENEFIT it's had for ME is being PHYSICALLY HUMILIATED in PUBLIC!"

"We discuss brilliant plan to beat up bad guys and put together ingredients for cake!" Meat Boy explained.

"And it shall be GLORIOUSLY FASCINATING!" Shovel Knight gloated.

"With my ambition..." Quote began.

"And my persistence..." Meat Boy continued.

"And my...f***ing HAT..." Jack sighed.

"And my BLADE..." Shovel Knight continued.

"WE SHALL BE VICTORIOUS TO THE ELEVENTH POWER! AND BEYOND!" the four of them yelled in unison. "Um, hello? Anyone? Where did everyone go?"

Alas, everyone in the audience now wanted their money back.


	3. The Hype Train

3 - The Hype Train

Meanwhile, back in Microsoft Tower, the Doctor was just finishing up his evil plans.

"Okay, so, Dr. Fetus...you will be masquerading as the driver on the Hype Train." the Doctor explained.

"WHAT IN THE HELL IS A GODDAMNED HYPE TRAIN?" Dr. Fetus asked him.

"Trust me, you'll figure it out soon enough." the Doctor chuckled, providing Dr. Fetus with glasses and a fake nose and mustache, which were all duct-taped onto the front of his glass suit. "No one will EVER see through THAT disguise!"

"You really DO want me to die, don't you?" Dr. Fetus realized.

"Well, of course...sacrifices must be made." the Doctor snickered, patting Dr. Fetus on the head. "Just be grateful that your suit is made of bulletproof glass, bucko."

"GO FUCKO YOURSELF!" Dr. Fetus yelled at him, flipping him off and teleporting down to the train station.

Meanwhile, back in New Zork City, Quote and company were heading on foot to the exact same place; the train station.

"I need a freaking shower." Jack groaned.

"My lord, bless the holy sky! Praise be!" Shovel Knight yelled excitedly. "The rain will simply WASH all of your sorrows away!"

"I wish I could just DROWN all of my sorrows away..." Jack sobbed, dripping with both rain and tears.

"Want to use my umbrella?" Meat Boy asked. "Oh, too small for you though..." That did it.  
Jack collapsed onto the ground and burst into tears of anger and frustration, and then even more tears of laughter when Shovel Knight pulled out a quill feather and started tickling his feet. "STOP! STAH-HA-HAH-HA-HAHP! PLEASE JUST GIVE ME A BREAK!" Jack cried. "The things I do for love..."

"Anyway," Jack explained, getting back up, "according to the Internet, Microsoft Tower is surrounded by a forcefield that was supposedly created by Gabe Newell about eleven years ago when Half-Life 2 was released. It would appear that only employees are permitted to bypass this forcefield normally."

"Story of my life..." Quote sighed.

"However, this forcefield also has a generator, which is apparently a large metal cylinder located on the top of Ego Mountain in Retro Jungle at the end of the freezing-cold Shovelware Wastes." Jack explained.

"Did you say SHOVEL?!" Shovel Knight asked excitedly.

"Where you get such information?" Meat Boy asked.

"Wikipedia." Jack sighed.

"Well, I guess we've got no choice but to trust Wikipedia of all sources on this one." Quote reluctantly agreed. "Come on, everyone, let's go!"

"But I must sharpen thy shovel first!" Shovel Knight requested urgently.

"It already sharp enough! LET'S GO ALREADY!" Meat Boy yelled at him, shoving him forward. "MARCH!"

"YES, SIR!" Shovel Knight obeyed as the four of them approached the train station.

"Ah, here we are!" Shovel Knight sighed with relief. "I was getting really hot in this armor."

"HOT? I'm F-F-FREEZING!" Jack stammered, having a nervous breakdown and gnawing on his own toe-claws because he had already chewed all of his finger-claws off and needed something else to chew on.

"Good lord, why not just get some GUM to chew on?" Shovel Knight sighed.

"Because I left all my money under my mattress!" Jack informed him.

"Four tickets, please!" Quote requested from the guy(brush Threepwood) at the ticket stand, giving him $23. "Judging from the sign, I see that you're not giving any change back?"

"Um, sir, I hate to tell you this, but that isn't enough money. You're a whole freaking dollar short." Guybrush told him.

"Um, according to the signs, kids' tickets cost one dollar and fifty cents, if I'm not mistaken." Quote argued.

"Hey, I'm not a freaking KID!" Jack yelled while picking his earwax in public. "I'm a TEEN! There's a difference!"

"Trust me, there isn't." Shovel Knight warned him. "You ever tried going to high school in medieval times? Never in modern times has being saved by the bell at school been quite so literal."

"Anyway, kids' tickets cost $2.00, not $1.50." Guybrush reminded Quote. "Get it through your thick skull."

"We'll see who has a thick f***ing skull, you god-damned cheap-ass mother f***er!" Quote snapped at him, pulling out his handgun for the second time in a row and pointing it directly at Guybrush's forehead.

"Well, holy s***, you're not joking this time, are you?" Guybrush realized, slowly pushing the gun away from the general direction of his face. "Very well then...could someone lend me a calculator, please?"

"No need, I already know it's 4.1667% off." Jack confirmed, displaying the answer on his calculator.

"Or, in laymen's terms that require a far less extensive amount of time to formulate, ONE DOLLAR OFF." Shovel Knight groaned, rolling his eyes. "Oh, what I wouldn't sacrifice for the simple joys of medieval times right about now."

With their fees paid, Quote and company were about to step into the train, when Meat Boy suddenly noticed a mysterious figure approaching out of the corner of his eye. It was clearly Dr. Fetus with an admittedly ridiculous dollar-store prank disguise duct-taped onto his face, but as typical video game cliches go, Meat Boy was just too gullible to notice. 

"Wonder who that could be?" Meat Boy wondered, scratching his head, walking back into the train and taking a seat with his allies.

"Welcome, new driver!" Guybrush welcomed Dr. Fetus, ushering him into the driver's seat of the train.

"Who in the seven hells is that guy?" Quote wondered.

"More importantly, WHAT in the seven hells is that guy?" Shovel Knight wondered, scratching his head.

"Meh, I've seen much weirder things." Jack sighed. "Mainly in Japan."

"Oh my god, look at all the gloriously scrumptious and tantalizingly appetizing FOOD!" Shovel Knight squealed with excitement as the silver food platter passed them by and dropped a whole bunch of turkey onto the table. "NOM NOM NOM!"

After the four of them ate all of the turkey, it became apparent that something...unexpected...had happened to Meat Boy's body. He suddenly had muscles like Arnold Schwarzenegger!

"He has a SIX-PACK! WOW!" Jack squealed with jealousy.

"I am ripped like paper!" Meat Boy laughed, accidentally punching a dent in the wall.

"Sweet heavens, and I thought I was a meathead..." Shovel Knight chuckled.

"You know, I like how this is a full-blown express train and all, with the bells and the whistles and the kitchen and shops in the middle and the bedrooms in the back and all that jazz...but something about this whole predicament reeks of something being afoot here." Quote explained.

"Yeah, yeah, I know that my feet smell like a bunch of Brussels sprouts that shriveled up and died recently..." Jack sighed.

"No, not that, even though that probably is true." Quote corrected him.

"How would you know?" Shovel Knight asked him. "Oh my God, Jesus Christ! HUEGH! MA'AM!"

"Yes, dearie?" the waitress asked him.

"May I kindly embark on a mad dash to the lavatory chamber, please?" he gagged.

"Oh, you silly goose, you don't even need to ask!" the waitress informed him as he immediately took off straight into the men's restroom right next to the kitchen.

"BLEEEAUGH!!!" Shovel Knight heaved violently. After flushing the toilet, however, he noticed suspicious magic-marker writing on the wall. "Hmm? What's this?" he wondered, getting out a magnifying glass and observing the badly written text.

"Therr is a feetus amugn uss..." he read. "Hmm...what in God's name could that possibly mean? Jack did mention something about feet earlier...looks like we're going to have to dig deeper into this profoundly bizarre mystery!"

"Dude, it's just some mentally retarded crackhead who apparently was so damned wasted that he couldn't even spell the word FETUS correctly. He probably drank alcohol AS a fetus for crying out loud. How freaking hard is it tofigure that out?" Jack groaned, rolling his eyes and washing his feet in the bathroom sink.

"Wait a minute..." Meat Boy realized. "Weird guy who substituted himself as train driver...was fetus in jar, right?" 

"Umm...yes...wait, what's a FETUS again?" Shovel Knight wondered, scratching his head.

"Oh my various fallen comrades, IT'S THE THING THAT YOU WERE F***ING BORN AS WHEN YOU CAME OUT OF YOUR MOTHER'S GODDAMNED VAGINA!" Jack screamed at him, jumping onto his shoulders and shaking him violently.

"Oh, okay...what's a VAGINA again?" Shovel Knight asked.

"ERRRRRRAUGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!" Jack roared savagely with frustration, clutching his head in disbelief. "How f***ing stupid could you BE?!"

"Well, we didn't call it the vagina in my time, we called it the womb." Shovel Knight explained.

"Dude, seriously, get with times!" Meat Boy scolded him for his obscene ignorance of how modern culture worked. "Anyway, I know who stranger is now! It's Dr. Fetus!"

"Doctor WHO?" Quote asked, cocking an eyebrow in confusion.

"Come on, no time to explain, let's go!" Meat Boy reminded them as the four of them ran straight into the driver's car of the train.

"Put your hands up where we can see them, or else my goddamned Polar Star is gonna rip you a new one and a HALF!" Quote commanded Dr. Fetus, pointing the trademark handgun at him.

"You're kidding, right?" Dr. Fetus laughed. "Have I mentioned yet that my armor is BULLET-PROOF? SEE YOU IN HELL, SUCKERS!" he jeered, bolting off and climbing up the ladder onto the top of the train.

"FOLLOW HIM!" Meat Boy commanded his allies as the four of them ran after Dr. Fetus.

"Hold on a second, can I buy some gum, please?" Jack asked.

"Sure, just don't waste your money on anything else. That's what the Illuminati wants you to do." Quote whispered in his ear.

"I am a secret member of the Illuminati and I find that amusingly offensive." Jack whispered back, mooching a dollar off of Quote and using it to buy a nice big pack of incredibly cheap Trident chewing gum, which he stuffed into one of his belt pouches despite the fact that it was actually considerably larger than the pouch itself. More on that later, because we're just getting to the best part of this entire chapter!

"Please tell me you're not thinking what I think you're thinking..." Jack muttered to himself, whistling innocently. "Oh, why, hello, Luigi, may I borrow your dress, please?"

"WHAT?! LUIGI! Why are you-a STILL a-wearing a DRESS? It-a stopped-a being-a funny at least-a FIFTEEN FREAKING MINUTES ago!" Mario scolded his brother. "What, are you-a GAY or-a something?"

"HEY! Who-a you calling-a gay? I'm-a not-a gay, YOU'RE-a gay! It's-a not-a called-a being-a gay, it's-a called-a being-a-"

"Fabulous..." Luigi moaned in pain after being shoved headfirst into the trash can.

"Nice dress, Captain Rainbow." Jack snickered as he put on the dress and climbed up the ladder onto the top of the train.

"Oh, THERE you are!" Quote yelled at him as Meat Boy and Dr. Fetus duked it out in a fistfight on top of the front car of the train. "We were waiting at least two whole MINUTES for you!"

"BACK SLASH!" Shovel Knight yelled, swinging his Shovel Blade downward and striking Dr. Fetus from behind. "How is this...it's IMPOSSIBLE!"

"You fools, my armor is UNBREAKABLE!" Dr. Fetus laughed. "Get ready for an emotional ROLLERCOASTER, bitches!"

"Greetings, sweet, sweet passengers; the next landmark on this train ride is the infamous Popularity Hills!" the train announcer informed everyone on the train.

As the train went up and down the hills like a literal rollercoaster ride, everyone had somehow already come up with the idea of gluing their feet onto the floor. Don't even ask me how it worked, it just did. Once that bit was over, they all broke free of the glue by jumping.

"AUGGGH!!!" Jack screamed in pain as the glue tore all of the fur off of his soles. "DAMN IT, why can't I just look like a pretty princess for once?" 

"Because you're a GUY for f***'s sake!" Quote reminded him.

"DUCK!" Meat Boy yelled.

"WHERE?" Shovel Knight asked as Quote tackled him onto the ground.

"Let's not lose our heads, mister!" Quote warned Shovel Knight once the train had reached the other side ofDevelopment Tunnel.

"Everyone, let's GO!" Jack yelled, hiking up his dress and prancing his way onto the frontmost passenger car of the train as his allies followed along behind him. "It's about time I showed my TRUE colors!"

"Greetings, young adversary." Shovel Knight greeted Dr. Fetus. 

"We have a very special young princess to introduce you to." Quote said awkwardly, trying incredibly hard not to laugh.

"Hello, hot stuff." Jack greeted Dr. Fetus, stroking his right ear like how girls stroke their dangling hair. "It's SUCH an eternal pleasure to meet you. My name is, uhh...Jackie! Yeah, Jackie! That's it! This TOTALLY isn't awkward!"

"My, you're so...DREAMY..." Dr. Fetus crooned, mesmerized and hypnotized by Jack's eminently fabulous beauty.

"May I take your hand and dance?" Jack asked him.

"You can dance with me anytime, young lady...except for when we're on a moving train, that is." Dr. Fetus reassured him. "Would you like to hear my favorite love song?"

"Sure, what is it?" Jack asked him, leaning toward him and kissing him as he pulled out his remote control and turned on the hologram recording of his literally two-line American Idol performance.

"Youuu are myy feeeetus lovERerERR..." the song began as Quote's face started to literally burn from how hard he was trying to keep it straight and not bust out laughing his ever-loving ass off at how ludicrously awkward the current situation was. Meanwhile, Shovel Knight was secretly cringing underneath his mask from how indescribably awful Dr. Fetus' singing was.

"Makin' my BIRTH plugs go ZAPPP!!! ZAPPP!!! ZAP with your love..." the song finished, causing Quote to laugh so hard that he almost literally started rolling on the floor; luckily, he still hadn't forgotten that he was on a moving train.

Dr. Fetus, on the other hand, had evidently forgotten that he NEEDED his water-filled suit in order to survive.

"Would you mind taking your suit off in the presence of a gorgeously beautiful LADY like myself?" Jack teased him.

"Go ALL OUT on me, honey!" Dr. Fetus begged him. "I don't even care that we're on top of a moving train, just DO IT with me already!" he continued begging as he used the remote control to take the top off of his suit.

"Oh, wait, I'm a FETUS..." Dr. Fetus remembered as he was suddenly rendered gasping for air.

"YOINK!" Jack laughed as he reached in and grabbed Dr. Fetus out of his suit. "DOWN THE HATCH WITH YOU, BUCKO!" he continued laughing as he stuffed the screaming Dr. Fetus into his mouth, chewed him up and swallowed him.

"Tastes like chicken." Jack said flatly before burping loudly and chucking Dr. Fetus' suit off of the train as unceremoniously as humanly possible.

Once the four of them had finally finished laughing hysterically at what had just happened, they climbed back down into the train, gave Luigi's dress back, played Texas Hold'Em until 10:00 at night, and then finally went to bed.


	4. Shovelware Wastes

4 - Shovelware Wastes

"Greetings, passengers, you have arrived at our first major stop, the infamous Shovelware Wastes, the place where dreams go to die. Have a nice day." the train's announcer informed all of the passengers, waking our heroes up.

"Come on, we HAVE to go!" Quote reminded his allies as the four of them ran out of the train and met what appeared to be their imminent doom. "Where dreams go to die" seemed like a pretty apt description for the outright horrific, dreadful, post-apocalyptic nuclear wasteland that suddenly laid in front of their very eyes.

"Congratulations, SWEETIE PIE NUMBER SEVEN. As a reward for being insane enough to exit the train at this stop, you get to have one of our consolation prizes; the Hype Crust! As members of the ever-loving Hype Train staff, we also regret to inform you that video game hell is a very real place where you WILL be sent if you die here. Have fun, cutie-kins!" the train announcer sarcastically taunted them, dropping a huge bag of cake mix on top of Jack's head.

"Stars...pretty..." Jack slurred, swaying back and forth.

"Hmm...what are all these cute little STARS spinning around your head? Can I eat them?" Shovel Knight asked Jack curiously.

"You didn't invent Shovel Blade at all, did you?" Meat Boy sighed.

"Whaddayahowah?" Jack mumbled, shaking his head back into focus. "Hey, look, we found the FIRST INGREDIENT TO OUR CAKE WE WANT SO VERY, VERY MUCH! HUZZAH, BITCHES!" he cheered, attempting to lift the 50-pound bag that the Hype Crust was packaged in.

"Heh...at least I tried!" Jack chuckled nervously as all three of his allies glared at him.

"YOU FAILED! MISERABLY!" Meat Boy scolded him.

"Not gonna lie, my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great..."

SO MANY GREATS LATER THAT THE OLD NARRATOR GOT TIRED OF WAITING AND THEY HAD TO HIRE A NEW ONE...

"great...great...GREAT grandmother's GRANDMOTHER can lift better than you!" Shovel Knight scolded him.

"Alright, that's good to hear, now let's get GOING already!" Jack reminded him as Quote lifted the bag and stuffed it into Jack's digital storage pouch. 

"Seriously, how in the hell do you FIT so much stuff in there?" Quote asked.

"I don't have a damned clue, but it sure does work! Look, I've even got allen wrenches, gerbil feeders, toilet seats, electric heaters, trash compactors, juice extractors, shower rods and water meters, as well as moldy cheese, space monkeys, Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore, walrus boogers, dried paint, Cave Story 3D, ET for Atari 2600, Rocko's Modern Life: The Complete Series, purple dildos, and last but not least-"

"OKAY, okay, I get the idea!" Quote groaned, rolling his eyes. 

"Enough lallygagging around! We've got a kingdom to save!" Shovel Knight agreed.

"It's called a CITY!" Meat Boy reminded him.

"Guys, I don't think we're in New Zork anymore..." Jack reminded his allies as the four of them gazed yet again upon the aforementioned nuclear wasteland in front of them.

"Well, I guess we have no choice at this point..." Quote sighed. "Let's start running. Fast."

"THROUGH here, not AWAY from here, you dumbass!" Jack reminded Shovel Knight, who had almost attempted to flee.

"This is it, everyone." Quote warned his allies as the four of them began their perilous new journey. "This is video game hell on video game Earth in the video game multiverse of video games. Are you guys ready for this?"

"I was born ready...and born ready...and born ready, and so on!" Meat Boy boasted.

Although our heroes were still treating their experience as a lighthearted, humorous adventure on the outside, they were completely and utterly devastated on the inside. Even Meat Boy was seriously about to break down crying from just how...SICK this place was.

For lack of a more thorough explanation of what it was, Shovelware Wastes was basically the garbage dump of video games, the place were all extremely s***ty games went to be punished.

The ground was littered with decomposing copies of the likes of ET, Sonic 2006, Duke Nukem Forever, Bubsy 3D, and basically every infamously terrible game to ever walk the Earth. The place was always bitterly cold, but going there in winter just made it that much worse.

"It's so cold that I think I might even end up needing to take my armor off!" Shovel Knight moaned.

"Don't encourage the Deviantartists." Jack warned him.

"What kind of deviant artists?" Shovel Knight asked.

"You're damned lucky you DON'T know." Quote informed him.

The water in the canyons there was filled with so much diarrhea that it might as well have literally been made out of s***, and the railless bridges across said canyons were made out of playing cards and random variations of puzzle blocks.

There were starving vultures constantly circling overhead, and as our heroes ran for their dear lives, falling puzzle blocks attempted to crush them to death at every step. 

Mountain after mountain of literal trash lined the barely still-visible main road through this place, all of the bugs were giant monsters ranging from two to at least ten times their normal sizes, and to make matters even worse, a toxic haze of brownish-gray fog hung over the entire area.

"Wasn't me, I swear!" Shovel Knight tried to explain as everyone glared at him.

"Hey, look, everyone, it's the LJN s*** rainbow!" Jack showed everyone, pointing upward at the freakishly out-of-place chemical rainbow that had just formed in the sky.

But if you think the environment alone sounds bad, then MAN...wait until you hear about the things that somehow LIVED here.

"Oh, come on, relax, narrator, they're just ZOMBIES!" Quote reminded me.

Well, yes, but all of the wretched abominations that never could've made it into official games also lived here. The further Shovel Knight dug his allies through the seemingly endless trash heap, the more pants-pissingly terrified they became.

This place had everything: TF2 Freaks, badly animated G-Mod people, Sanic, Sonichu, giant heads with about a million different types of feet coming out of the bottoms of their necks, the Olympic runner from QWOP, two-headed Redeads, men with electrical outlets for heads, human centipedes composed of said men sticking their heads up each other's butts...

The main town in this place, the place where all of the freakish mutants lived, was called Septic Tanksville. 

When Quote examined the murky radioactive sludge, I mean, water there, a fish with a human face suddenly jumped out and greeted our heroes in the voice of Leonard Nimoy, causing the four of them to immediately run like hell, surprisingly THROUGH the town rather than away from it.

"What in hell WAS that thing?!" Meat Boy screamed.

"Damn, and I thought the CHINFISH was weird..." Quote sighed.

"According to the history books, that thing is a species called Seaman...yeah, I'm not going there." Jack explained as the four of them finally reached an outhouse.

"Finally, a place to defecate!" Shovel Knight cheered, walking inside while everyone else waited cautiously for him.

TWO SECONDS LATER...

"OH MY SWEET EVER-LOVING CHRIST, GET IT OFF OF ME, GET IT OFF OF ME!" Shovel Knight screamed, charging out of the outhouse as a pasty white hand suddenly came out of its toilet.

"PAPER, PLEASE!" the hand begged them.

"I'm not even going to ask..." Quote muttered disgustedly.

A few seconds later, Jack approached the front door of the only fully intact house remaining in town and immediately saw two QWOP guys mating. He immediately slammed the door shut in terror, with a very severe look of "I've seen some shit" on his face.

"Nothing strange in this PLACE, no sir-ree, la lala la la laa laa!" Jack sang. "AND I...HOLY S***...WILL ALLWAYS LOVVE YOU, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THIS TO ME, GOD DAMNIT, HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!"

"If I die here, tell Bandage Girl I hate her." Meat Boy asked kindly of everyone.

"Everyone, RELAX!" Quote chuckled. "Look what I found!"

"YES! Trusty, albeit rusty, new metal steeds for us! A WINNER IS ME!" Shovel Knight cheered.

"Cars? CARS?! CARRRRRRRRS?!?" Jack screamed wildly.

"A whole bunch of used 1951 Hoffmans, to be exact. Looks like they've still got gas in them." Quote explained. "Come on, everyone, load up the s*** heaps!"

The four of them took two of said 1951 Hoffmans, loading two amongst themselves into each one, and took off along Last Resort Road.

"It is not necessary for you to lavish quite so much attention on Seaman." Seaman warned one of the QWOP guys, who had suddenly preoccupied himself with staring suggestively at the Seamen in the local ponds. "I hope that Seaman is not disturbing your everyday routine."

"Umm, I don't exactly remember my horse having a remarkably shorter width between its legs than the width of its actual body..." Shovel Knight pointed out, referring to the completely retarded wheel placement on the 1951 Hoffman.

"Well, what can I say? This piece of s*** is literally the SINGLE worst f***ing car in the whole wide goddamned WORLD. What did you expect from a place like...THAT?" Quote explained as the four of them finally reached the exit gate of Shovelware Wastes, which was a large stone door with a mysterious pedestal in front of it. Right next to said pedestal was an illegible sign.

"What's this old sign say?" Meat Boy wondered curiously as Shovel Knight blew all of the dust, cobwebs and dead moths off of it. "Ahh...SACRIFICE GAME TO OPEN DOOR. I see!"

"You mean THIS game?" Jack asked, pulling ET out of his belt pouch.

"If it isn't THAT game, then I don't know WHICH one it is." Quote sighed. "It'd better be that one, though."

As Jack placed the game on the pedestal, the spirit of ET's head developer suddenly appeared.

"I...can now...rest...in peace..." the spirit moaned creepily in relief, floating straight up into eternal purgatory as the game inexplicably caught on fire and burned into a crisp, presumably from supernatural influence.

"Ten outta ten, ten outta ten, best game..." Jack whispered to himself as he drove the rest of the way out of Shovelware Wastes, with Meat Boy in the passenger seat. Of course, as you might imagine by now, Quote and Shovel Knight did the same.


	5. Retro Jungle I

5 - Retro Jungle (PART 1)

"Wow, what's this place?" Meat Boy asked Jack as our heroes drove their cars into the next area.

"Retro Jungle, I guess..." Jack sighed. "Hey, Quote, how in the hell did we go from a post-apocalyptic nuclear wasteland to a lush tropical paradise this stinking fast? And why is it in freaking CANADA of all places?"

"Hey, it makes more sense than going straight from a lava area to an ice one!" Quote replied.

"Judging by how hot it is here, I would argue otherwise." Shovel Knight pointed out.

As they drove off into the distance, leaving the smelly landfills of Shovelware Wastes behind them, they saw an ecosystem that was pretty much literally the exact opposite of said previous area. Of course, pollution was still subtly present there, but the entire area was filled with grass and trees and freshwater.

More importantly, everything looked and felt retro here. Both everything good and everything bad about old video games happened here on a daily basis, reminding people of the true dangers of nostalgia.

"Huh?" Quote wondered, suddenly catching a glimpse of himself in his broken rear-view mirror as he drove through the grassy plains, shooting giant mosquitoes with his gun while doing so. "Why do I look like a more detailed version of my original sprite from Cave Story?"

"Me too!" Jack told him. "Drinking my own sweat has never looked so hip and novel!"

"And let's not forget jolly old ME!" Shovel Knight pointed out.

"What about me?" Meat Boy reminded them, sobbing a little.

"I know how you feel." Jack told Meat Boy, hugging him.

"Oh, s***, LOOK OUT!" Quote yelled as the four of them approached an enormous, floating vertical loop in the road.

"Wait, look! There's a row of boost pads in front of it!" Jack explained.

"Boost power good!" Meat Boy said.

"Alright, GOTTA GO FAST!" Quote agreed. "STEP ON IT!"

Jack and Quote stepped on the gas pedals of their cars, pushing them down all the way and driving straight into said boost pads, accelerating their speed so much that they were able to drive all the way around the loop. However, right at the end of the loop, there was a giant speed bump!

"OH, YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Jack screamed as both cars crashed and rolled right off the road.

"WHEE!" Shovel Knight cheered, causing Quote to facepalm as the cars fell straight down and went SPLOOSH in the cesspool down below. "Deep in the bowels of the ancient jungle, we are!"

"Oh, shut up..." Jack groaned, wiping the cesspool scum off of his arms.

"Greetings, whippersnappers." an elderly anthropomorphic monkey greeted the four of them, suddenly appearing out of nowhere. "My name is Cranky Kong. Pleasure to meet you boys." he said, shaking their hands.

"My God, you shake REALLY hard!" Shovel Knight winced as Cranky Kong led the four of them into a...tribal village?

"As you can see, this is a retirement home. Everyone here lives in these dingy old treehouses...more like whorehouses if you ask me." Cranky Kong explained. "Back in my day, I didn't even need a blasted treehouse! I just slept in a humid, clammy old cave full of snakes and spiders! Never once did you hear me complain, oh, no sir-ree!"

"This guy is totally bananas. Let's get out of here." Jack whispered in Quote's ear.

"Nah, I like this guy, let's see what other ridiculously stereotypical old-man s*** he has to say." Quote whispered back.

"Old man is senile as a bat!" Meat Boy chuckled as the four of them followed Cranky Kong up the wooden stairs into his treehouse.

"Hey, quit tracking BLOOD into my house, you dingbat!" Cranky Kong yelled at Meat Boy. "I swear to Jesus, my aching old back is going to snap in TWO if I have to lean over and clean the floor ONE more god-danged time!"

"Dude, he can't help it!" Quote informed him.

"Then leave him outside, for crying out loud!" Cranky Kong yelled at them, tossing Meat Boy out the window.

"N-n-nice k-k-kitties..." Meat Boy stammered as a pair of lions slowly approached him.

"Anyway, here's what I want you boys to do for me." Cranky Kong began. "But first...QUOTE! TUCK YOUR DAMNED SCARF IN! TUCK IT IN RIGHT NOW, BOY, YOU HEAR ME?"

"Okay..." Quote groaned, tucking his scarf in and beginning to lose his patience.

"Anyway, what I want you guys to do for me is actually rather simple in theory; however, when you actually try doing it, you'll probably start to think otherwise...unless you're as badass as I am." Cranky Kong explained. "You must prove to me that you really are more than just a bunch of spineless old whippersnappers...by completing THE FOUR GREAT TRIALS OF THE JUNGLE!"

"And what would those be, sir?" Shovel Knight stammered, shivering in his boots from fear of what this old man might throw at him and his friends.

While Cranky Kong assigned all four of our heroes their tasks, which all coincidentally catered to their respective strengths and weaknesses, Meat Boy was busy having a tea party with the pair of lions he had just encountered.

"Are you single?" the male lion sitting next to Meat Boy asked him. "Because DAMN, son, you look DELICIOUS!"

"Man, you're so handsome I could just GOBBLE you up!" the female lion across the table from Meat Boy told him.

"How about NO?" Meat Boy suggested, whacking both the male and female lions on the head with a mallet that he literally pulled out of nowhere and running off.

"WHAT?! You-you MONSTER!" Quote yelled at Cranky Kong in disbelief of how insane the tasks he had just handed out were.

"NEVER have I felt so VIOLATED!" Jack growled in disgust.

"This is NOT the type of thing that I, a proud, noble and HONORABLE knight, had in mind!" Shovel Knight sneered.

"REALLY? You going to make me deal with lions AGAIN?!" Meat Boy sighed.

"It's ancient tradition, you little whippersnappers!" Cranky Kong told them. "Look, I heard through the grapevine about your journey to Microsoft Tower. In order to open the gate to Ego Mountain, you boys are going to HAVE to complete these rituals!"

"Well, if it's tradition then I guess we have to accept his request..." Shovel Knight sighed.

First up, we have Quote's trial, where he was forced to commit bunny-rabbit genocide with his Polar Star.

"Remember, the more cute, cuddly, adorable and innocent they are, the more bonus points you'll get! And don't forget to eat them while you're at it!" Cranky Kong reminded him.

"You're not helping!" Quote cried.

About twenty minutes later, Quote and his friends were having rabbit stew for lunch; Quote was STILL crying from his repressed guilty memories of what had happened to the Mimigas in Cave Story.

"Isn't this technically cannibalism on my part?" Jack asked, cocking an eyebrow as he chowed down.

"Don't even ask, just eat it!" Quote whimpered.

Next up, we have Jack's trial, where he was forced to read fifty pages of Twilight in one sitting while being hung upside down naked by his legs above a boiling pot of cesspool water.

"For God's sake, I can't even read ANYTHING without my glasses, let alone THIS crap!" Jack yelled at Cranky Kong.

"Can we please let him keep his glasses? He looks SO hot with them." Shovel Knight begged him, drooling at the mouth.

"Sigh...FINE." Cranky Kong reluctantly agreed, giving Jack his glasses back.

"God, this book is so freaking disgusting. It makes me feel like I'm wearing literally NOTHING AT ALL!" Jack cringed.

"Don't HANG OUT for too long! We're gonna need to EAT at some point, you HEAR?" Cranky Kong reminded him.

"Ha ha, very funny." Jack glared at him disapprovingly. "Someone will pay for this, oh yes, SOMEONE WILL PAY!"

Next up, we have Shovel Knight's test, where he was dropped into an enormous pit full of infinitely respawning snakes and spiders and had no choice but to dig the hole deeper and deeper until Cranky Kong eventually got tired of watching him suffer and dropped a climbing rope down for him.

"In the name of the Lord, how deep can this sick f*** dig into someone's psyche before enough is ENOUGH?!" Shovel Knight laughed psychotically as he dug...and dug...and dug...and dug... and dug. "I must not fear, fear is the mind killer, fear is the little death that brings total oblivion-"

"Alright, that's enough, I don't want you to go KILLING yourself now!" Cranky Kong snickered, tossing the rope down for him.

"ARGH! Armor...too...heavy..." Shovel Knight moaned with exhaustion.

"Come on, don't be such a pussy-cat!" Cranky Kong yelled at him.

"URRGH...UGGGH...HNNNGH...Okay, looks...like I finally...MADE IT!" Shovel Knight rasped and wheezed, collapsing headfirst onto the ground.

Last but not least, we have Meat Boy's trial, where he was forced to run through the jungle, being chased by a pack of hungry lions while leaving an obvious bright-red trail of blood everywhere he went.

"May I borrow cloning ray from you?" Meat Boy asked Jack.

"Sure, why not?" Jack sighed, firing it at Meat Boy.

"Cool! Two Meat Boys!" Meat Boy cheered as his new doppelganger charged blindly into the open wilderness.

"OUCH...that's sure gonna leave a mark." Shovel Knight cringed.

"Alright, now that we've done all that stupid crap, can we please just SLEEP already?!" Quote asked him. "It's 10:00 PM right now and we haven't slept in basically two days."

"Very well, then...after you all do 100 push-ups for me, soldiers!" Cranky Kong commanded them.

"Alright, time for some testosterone-pumping EXERCISE!" Jack cheered. "Here we GUERRRGH...GAHHHHH...AHHHHHH...I give up."

"Mercy is for the weak!" Cranky Kong yelled at him. "At least try to do SEVENTY-FIVE for crying out loud!"

TEN MINUTES LATER...

"FIF...FIF...FIFTY!" Jack rasped, coughing and wheezing from exhaustion.

"Just go to bed already." Cranky Kong sighed.


	6. Retro Jungle II

6 - Retro Jungle (PART 2)

While our heroes were asleep, Black Knight was hiding in the shadows atop Ego Mountain, wearing a giant mech suit that was specially made for him by the Doctor. The suit was basically him, except larger; a simple design, but an effective one.

"BLACK KNIGHTCEPTION, am I right?" Black Knight cackled, lifting his mech's sword straight up into the air.

"Those filthy little cock-knockers might have made it through the wasteland, but they'll never make it through ME! This jungle shall be their grave! I AM GOING TO F***ING RIP THEIR MOTHER F***ING SPINES OUT AND SHISH-KEBAB THEM ON MY GODDAMNED BLADE! I swear it! I F***ING SWEAR IT! UWAHAHAHAHA!" he laughed maniacally, his voice echoing into the heavens themselves.

"My God, does that insufferable little phallus-face EVER freaking shut up?" God asked Jesus.

"Not that I know of." Jesus replied. "He's been going on and on about his evil plans for the past eight HOURS now. Honestly, I have no idea how he's even still awake."

"I AM GOING TO DUNK MY F***ING HEAD INTO A GODDAMNED MOTHER F***ING BUCKET OF WATER! YOU HEAR ME, BITCHES? YOU F***ING HEAR ME?!" Black Knight bellowed at the top of his lungs, dunking his face into a huge bucket of water and bobbing for apples, surprisingly not screaming his head off while doing so.

"Oh, of COURSE..." God sighed, rolling his eyes. "Sometimes, I really wish I had never invented Call Of Duty."

Meanwhile, in Cranky Kong's treehouse, everyone was woken up by the absurd amount of over-the-top raging that Black Knight was doing on top of Ego Mountain. 

"Sweet heavens, what could that earth-shaking NOISE be?" Shovel Knight wondered.

"Reminds me of the things that my brother King used to say when he would play Call Of Duty..." Jack sighed.

"Sounds like real douchebag!" Meat Boy chuckled. "Probably bad guy!"

"Your guess is as good as mine!" Quote agreed. "Everyone, let's go!"

"Goodbye, weaklings!" Cranky Kong told the four of them.

"Oh, and just so you know...I am NOT going to miss you." Jack whispered in Cranky Kong's ear.

"W-what did I ever do to you?!" Cranky Kong sobbed. "Just go away!"

"NOW!" he yelled at them, literally kicking all four of them out of the house.

Now that our heroes had completed all four of their brutally strenuous and completely unreasonable tasks, the giant doorway in the large circular wall blocking access to the inner portion of the jungle was opened.

"Now that the door has been opened to us..." Shovel Knight whispered in Jack's ear, "can I please proceed to third base with you?"

Jack swooned in response.

"Oh, NOW look what you did, you made him FAINT!" Quote groaned at him. "I mean, sure, he might be a weakling, but at least he actually pulls his WEIGHT around here!"

"But with this armor, I weigh at least two hundred pounds!" Shovel Knight pointed out.

"Guess I have no choice but to do this again!" Quote sighed, tying Jack onto his back with the Tow Rope and advancing into the wilderness with his allies in tow. Much to their dismay, there were still about two miles ahead of them.

The traps and obstacles that they faced were almost completely unpredictable and random, and to top it off, they even had to deal with good old classic inventory management.

"Oh, come on, WHAT DO YOU MEAN, Jack can only carry two f***ing bananas at a time?!" Quote yelled in frustration.

One second, they were being chased through jungle mazes by Piranha Plants. The next second, they were jumping and vine-swinging over quicksand pit after quicksand pit. 

And the next second, they were running across collapsing rope bridges and dodging blow darts from all directions while Shovel Knight dug his way through perfectly cube-shaped bricks ala Minecraft.

Finally, after fleeing from a giant boulder ala Indiana Jones for at least the third time in a row, the four of them reached the ski lift to the top of Ego Mountain. But for some odd reason, it wouldn't work.

"Hmm, looks like there's a portable power generator right next to it." Quote observed.

"Are those edible?" Shovel Knight asked.

"ANYWAY," Quote sighed, "it looks like I'm gonna have to come up with the most completely ludicrous and entirely illogical solution possible for this problem. Here goes!"

"I say we throw a coconut at it!" Shovel Knight suggested.

"Your brain is coconut!" Meat Boy snickered.

"Huh? Where am I? UNTIE ME RIGHT THIS INSTANT!" Jack screamed, wiggling his fuzzy little feet up and down in a panic.

"Aww, you're so cute I think I'll just keep you there." Quote snickered, patting him on the head.

"Hmph!" Jack spat, blushing a little and not even knowing it.

TWO HOURS LATER...

"Okay, I think I've finally figured it out!" Quote informed everyone.

"Okay, so...you see this old laptop computer here?" Quote asked.

"That thing's OLD?" Shovel Knight gasped.

"Anyway, here's what we're gonna do with it. We're going to-"

"Can we please look at some porn?" Jack interrupted him.

"Goddamnit, NO!" Quote yelled at him. "Look, HERE'S what we're going to do!"

"First," he explained, "we're going to set it right next to that power generator I mentioned earlier, with the screen folded outward diagonally."

"Next," he continued, "we're going to TAKE...THIS...EMPTY...REFRIGERATOR out of Jack's pouch, climb up the 50-foot-tall Banana Watchtower using its spiral staircase, and drop the aforementioned refrigerator onto this makeshift wood-plank seesaw here, which will cause Jack's pet Leonard Nimoy fish, which I placed on the other side of the seesaw, to fly straight up into outer space."

"NO! NOT MY SEAMAN!" Jack wailed. "That thing was like a SPOCK to me!"

"Heh, semen." Shovel Knight and Meat Boy snickered.

"You done crying yet?" Quote asked Jack. "Okay, so, once the Seaman...GOD DAMN IT, STOP FREAKING LAUGHING, GUYS...reaches orbit, it will collide with a space satellite that is literally directly above the computer right now, channeling the electrical energy from its brain into the device. This will, in turn, cause the aforementioned satellite to fire a high-powered laser beam, which will reflect off of the laptop's screen and gostraight into the generator, powering it up and finally allowing us access to the summit of Ego Mountain." Quote explained.

"So...any thoughts?" Quote asked.

"This so stupid!" Meat Boy moaned.

"I don't get it!" Shovel Knight groaned.

"Quit moaning and groaning and just do it already!" Quote encouraged them. "Come on, we'll never know whether or not it actually works until we try it, right?"

"Why not launch me instead?" Meat Boy asked.

Once Quote and Shovel Knight had finally carried Jack's refrigerator all the way up the Banana Watchtower, they carefully aimed to make sure that they would hit their mark (Meat Boy had used his blood to mark the spot) and began the countdown of ages.

"THREE...TWO...F*** IT, LET'S JUST DROP THIS STUPID THING ALREADY!" Quote and Shovel Knight chanted, letting loose the refrigerator of war onto the seesaw of oppression.

"In the name of Leonard Nimoy, THIS HAD BETTER FREAKING WORK!" Jack cheered.

As the fridge hit the seesaw, Jack's pet Leonard Nimoy saw his very life flashing before his eyes as he was launched like a cow into the endless abyss of the atmosphere and, eventually, outer space. 

"In space, no one can hear you scream about how highly illogical it is." Quote snickered, briefly taking off his hat and bowing in honor of Leonard Nimoy and his oh-so-wonderful voice.

"Indeed, fellow warrior." Shovel Knight agreed, doing the same with his helmet.

Indeed, Quote predicted the Seaman's last words with startling accuracy.

"THIS...IS...HIGHLY...ILLOGICAL..." Seaman rasped as he collided with the aforementioned satellite, transferring all of his brain energy into it and dying as a result.

"Oh, you have GOT to be freaking kidding me!" Jack gasped as the satellite literally fired a laser beam straight down from the heavens, just as Quote had predicted.

"This experience has certainly been rather...REFLECTIVE of our moral status!" Shovel Knight laughed as the laser beam reflected itself off of the laptop screen exactly as planned and powered up the generator.

"Indeed it has. High five!" Quote cheered, giving Shovel Knight a great big high-five as they climbed back down the watchtower and readied themselves for the next glorious segment of their massive adventure.


	7. Ego Mountain

7 - Ego Mountain

"Alright, what now?" Meat Boy asked as Quote, Shovel Knight and Jack finally arrived back at ground level.

"We take that mountain by STORM." Quote said in a very proud and dignified fashion.

"Oh, please don't tell me you're going to play the f***ing Song of Storms again." Jack sighed.

"Oh, you'd better believe me, I WILL!" Quote laughed, pulling out his ocarina and playing the Song of Storms yet again, creating an instant thunderstorm. "We'll use this as a substitute shower since we haven't taken a real one in quite some time now!"

"PLEASE let me off of your BACK!" Jack whimpered, puffing his lips out and pouting.

"Okay, okay, fine!" Quote accepted, untying Jack from his back and kissing him on the cheek, which caused Jack to blush very brightly and embarrassedly.

"Man, what is it with you guys and...ME?" Jack asked as the four of them got onto the ski lift and traveled up Ego Mountain.

"Every big armored brute needs an adorable, cuddly little furball to keep them company, don't you know?" Shovel Knight giggled, swinging his left hand down like a cat paw, briefly taking Jack's hat off and ruffling Jack's hair up into a complete fluffy white mess with his right hand. 

"Oh, you..." Quote giggled, putting his hands over his mouth like a schoolgirl.

"ENOUGH! Why you all so gay?!" Meat Boy yelled as the four of them reached their destination (the flat top of Ego Mountain) and stepped out of the lift. "Can't we just focus on the mission at hand?"

"You four will have PLENTY of time to be GAY when you're freaking DEAD!" Black Knight laughed, swinging his sword down diagonally at Meat Boy, who luckily leapt out of the way just in time.

"Foul beast! SHOW yourself! I DEMAND that you SHOW YOURSELF!" Shovel Knight yelled at Black Knight. "Wait a minute...you're Black Knight, aren't you?!" 

"Of COURSE I am, Shovel Boy, what did you EXPECT?" Black Knight laughed, kicking Shovel Knight in the gut and sending him flying backward.

"It's a real pleasure to see you here, mates, but alas...while you four were busy being the biggest douche nozzles on the fricking planet, my brilliant PLAN was ALREADY coming together, and there was absolutely NOTHING that you stupid idiots could do about it!" Black Knight laughed arrogantly.

"Okay, first of all, it was the DOCTOR'S fricking plan, not yours, ass-face! And SECOND of all, EAT S*** AND DIE, YOU F***ING WALKING CLICHE!" Quote yelled furiously at Black Knight, pulling out his Polar Star and setting it to MAX power. "BEHOLD the POWER of the motherf***ing SPUR, motherf***er!"

"HA!" Black Knight laughed as Quote and Shovel Knight rolled underneath his massive horizontal sword slice while Jack and Meat Boy took the back position. 

"You really think that that pathetic, puny little PEA SHOOTER can damage ME?! Guess what? YOU SUCK!" Black Knight laughed like a douche as Shovel Knight blocked his downward sword thrusts with the Shovel Blade while Quote charged up his Polar Star.

"You're going to eat those words like Jack eats fetuses!" Quote snapped at him, maxing out his gun's power as Shovel Knight and Black Knight engaged in a brief fencing match with each other. "Everyone! Time for a chain attack!"

"Ah, yeah, that feels nice..." Meat Boy whispered in relief as he urinated on the foot of Black Knight's mech.

"ROCK THROW!" Shovel Knight yelled at the top of his lungs as he dug a large boulder out of the ground and hurled it at Black Knight with his shovel, hitting him right in the face and dizzying him.

"LUNAR LASER!" Jack yelled at the top of his lungs, using Dr. Fetus' remote control to call a satellite laser airstrike that would be arriving in just a few seconds on Black Knight.

"WAVE MOTION SHOT!" Quote yelled at the top of the top of his lungs, firing a five-foot wide laser beam from his Polar Star at the exact same time that Jack's Lunar Laser made its arrival, forming a cross strike on Black Knight and busting a hole right through the top of the mountain, which, as it turned out, was actually a volcano all along!

"UGHHH...URGGH...AUGGGH...YOU KNOW WHAT? F*** THIS, I'M OUT!" Black Knight screamed with rage, ejecting himself from the cockpit of his mech as it sank into the lava and began melting from sheer heat (and was also struck by lightning in the process).

"SO LONG, SUCKERS!" he laughed maniacally as he flew away with his badass wings.

"Um, guys, this does NOT look good here, uhh...anyone got any ideas?" Quote asked, realizing exactly what was clearly about to happen.

"No need to worry, everyone, I've got snowboards!" Jack reassured everyone. "Everyone! Quickly! Hop on and go! There's no time to lose!"

The four of them leaped onto their respective snowboards and took off down the slick wet slope of Ego Volcano as the explosion of Black Knight's mech caused it to finally erupt, also resulting in the explosion of the cylindrical power generator for Microsoft Tower's forcefield.

"COWABUNGA!" Meat Boy yelled with excitement.

"And then his oh-so-handsome, shovelly love hit me right in the heart like- OH S***, A BOULDER!" Jack screamed as he swerved back and forth to avoid the incoming boulders that were tumbling down the volcano as he spoke.

"Okay, don't panic, remember what your old snowboarding instructor said!" Shovel Knight encouraged himself, unable to keep the image of Jack dancing while naked out of his head.

"Feels like I'm wearing...nothing at all! Nothing at all! NOTHING AT ALL!" Jack was teasing him in his clearly-uncalled-for-at-the-moment fantasy.

"GAHHH!!!" Shovel Knight cringed. "STUPID SEXY GLASSES!"

"OW, MY CROTCH! THIS IS THE WORST PAIN EVER!" Shovel Knight yelled in agony as one of the conveniently placed stalagmites sticking out of the mountain flipped his board over and hit him right in the crotch, causing him to lose his balance and tumble down the mountain.

"OOF! OW! AHH! OH! OUCH! DOH!" Shovel Knight winced in pain as he was shaken around inside his armor with each impact; luckily, he eventually fell onto his chest and was able to grab his board and ride it again for the rest of the way down.

"Dude, seriously, learn to control your obsessions!" Quote reminded Shovel Knight as our heroes finally reached the bottom of the mountain and snowboarded their way down a very special trail marked THE HELL OUT OF HERE.

"Whew! What a grandiose escape!" Shovel Knight laughed, patting Jack on the back hard enough to make him spit one of his teeth out.

"And the environment was none the wiser for it!" Quote chuckled.

"Man, talk about deforestation!" Jack pointed out, seeing how many trees on and around the main path had been burned to death by the lava flow of Ego Volcano's eruption.

"Hmm? What's this thing?" Meat Boy asked, noticing something that looked like a giant circus cannon situated on a square mechanical platform.

"Looks like it's currently the only chance we have at making it into Microsoft Tower!" Quote realized as the four of them climbed up the small ladder onto the platform. "But first, let's grab our second cake ingredient, which just so happens to be lying around right here! HUZZAH!"

"Mmm, Hype Frosting! YUM!" Shovel Knight squealed with joy, shoving the package into Jack's belt pouch.

"Umm...are you SURE that this thing's aim is correct?" Jack stammered, quivering with fear. "Because if it isn't, then you owe me ten bucks."

"Well...here goes NOTHING!" Quote laughed nervously as all four of them loaded themselves up into the cannon. "Ground control to Major Tom: FIRE!"

"WE'RE BLASTING OFF!!!" all four of them screamed in unison as the cannon shot them all the way back from Canada to New Zork.


	8. Greed Balcony

8 - Greed Balcony

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" our heroes screamed as they plummeted into an enormous pool of water and somehow survived their landing thanks to the water.

"Where are we?" Shovel Knight asked, looking around.

"Isn't it obvious?" Quote sighed. "Forget what I said before back in the Shovelware Wasteland or whatever the hell it was called, because this s*** right here is the real deal. THIS is it. We've finally reached Microsoft's HQ once and for all!"

"Skyscraper in the sky...how CUTE!" Meat Boy giggled.

"Meh, I'm WAY cuter." Jack reminded him, bouncing with eagerness to explore this new area as the four of them clambered out of the pool and found themselves back on solid ground at last.

Yep, this was it, all right. Our heroes were currently on Greed Balcony, the area that Microsoft Tower was built on top of. It was a rather bleak yet strangely beautiful place, with streetlights every ten feet, hundreds of small radio antennae protruding from the ground, and glowing technological lights as far as the eye could see.

The entire surface of Greed Balcony appeared to be a literal giant computer grid encased in golden plating, and if you looked closely, you could see digital data streams flowing through the local atmosphere. Best of all, Microsoft Tower had a lightning-bolt laser beam shooting out of the top of it and piercing a giant hole through the clouds, so that was certainly something.

The entire area was perpetually patrolled by a swarm of literal Microsoft Drones; miniature scout robots straight out of Half-Life 2 that flew around using jet propulsion systems and attacked using built-in sawblades. Therefore, there was absolutely no doubt in any of our heroes' minds that the Doctor was already well aware of their intrusion.

"DAMN, this place is cool..." Jack moaned with pleasure, having a literal nerdgasm and squirting a big nasty puddle of semen onto the ground.

"YUCK! Do that in PRIVATE!" Meat Boy scolded him.

"It is not necessary for you to lavish quite so much attention on semen. I hope that semen is not disturbing your everyday-"

"Oh, for the love of Christ, just put a f***ing SOCK in it!" Jack groaned, smacking the Microsoft Drone with the back of his hand. "Shoo! SHOO!"

"You heard the man! BUZZ OFF!" Shovel Knight bellowed, smacking a whole bunch more drones away with his shovel...only for a whole bunch MORE to take their place.

"HOSTILITY MODE ACTIVATED." the Drones chanted, turning on their sawblades. 

"What treachery is THIS?!" Shovel Knight gasped. "Every time I fell one of these pesky little demons, THREE more take its place! OH, woe is me, what am I to DO?!"

"May I make a suggestion? RUN!" Quote informed his allies. "Come on, everyone, let's make a run for it!"

And so the four of them took off running with a colossal angry mob of sawblade-toting Microsoft Drones hot on their tails; literally, in Jack's case. 

However, although they made it pretty far with Quote and Shovel Knight just wildly shooting and swinging all over the place, their cheap tactic unfortunately didn't last them very long.

"There's too many of them! We're f***ed!" Jack yelled at Quote.

"I say we KILL the beasts!" Shovel Knight roared furiously.

"Why won't you just let me DIE?!" Meat Boy cried.

"WAIT!" Quote persuaded them. "We may be surrounded, but we're not completely trapped! Look, there's a nice, unassuming little prefab house right over there, if we can JUST...BREAK...THROUGH!"

"HYAAAH!!!" Shovel Knight roared as his shovel cut a hole through the swarm in front of them like a hot knife through butter, allowing the four of them to pass through...except for Meat Boy, whom the Drones ganged up on and viciously slaughtered.

"Oh my God! They killed Meat Boy!" Quote gasped.

"You inglorious BASTARDS!" Shovel Knight tried.

"What am I doing with my life?" Meat Boy sighed, suddenly waking up in his bed yet again.

Meanwhile, back on Greed Balcony, Quote and Shovel Knight were having trouble with what was surprisingly just a typical modern-day door.

"WHAT?! The fricking DOOR'S locked?!" Quote yelled furiously.

"INCONCEIVABLE!" Shovel Knight gasped.

"Nothing's inconceivable if you put a certain thing called your MIND into it..." Jack sighed, rolling his eyes.

"Looks like SOMEONE'S going to have to bust this damned door down!" Quote realized.

"Geez, it took you THAT f***ing long to figure out! CONGRATULATIONS!" Jack muttered under his breath.

"ALLEY-OOPS!" Shovel Knight yelled, tripping over one of the bolts in the ground in a miserably failed attempt at a shoulder charge, yet still crashing right through the door thanks to his sheer muscle and armor weight. "Hello, old chaps, what's up?"

"YOU ARE UNDER ARREST BY THE MICROSOFT CORPORATION. GIVE US ALL YOUR MONEY. NOW." the three security guards that had been hiding in that house informed him, shooing the drones away and turning on the forcefield in the general area around the house.

"Oh, no, you don't!" Quote laughed, pulling out his gun on all three of the guards while Shovel Knight bonked them on the heads with his shovel, allowing Jack to leap in and maul their dazed and disoriented faces off.

"Man, being completely bats*** insane sure does have its advantages!" Jack chuckled, sucking the blood out of what remained of the guards' torn and disfigured faces for nourishment.

"Maybe a good old BEATING will make your faces look less doltishly stupid!" Shovel Knight laughed, smashing the guards' skulls in with his shovel just to make sure that they were dead.

"Alright, guys, come on, let's get some sleep now!" Quote reminded his allies.

"OF COURSE!" Shovel Knight remembered.

"Sleep? What's that?" Jack laughed. "If I remember correctly, I do believe it's something that'll help me to RELAX!!!"

And so the three of them got into the beds and went to sleep.

LATE THAT NIGHT...

"Oh, Jaaaack..." Shovel Knight whispered annoyingly in Jack's ear for the tenth time that night.

"Oh, for the love of King, WHAT?!" Jack snapped at him, still whispering. "No, I'm not going to let you fondle my goddamned nipples! Suck my d***! Come on, just freaking DO it already!"

"That's not what's bothering ME right now, honey." Shovel Knight whispered back to him. "Look at what I found in the fridddge!"

"What is it?" Jack groaned, rolling his eyes.

"A NICE...BIG...JAR of PICKLES!" Shovel Knight giggled.

"Go die in a fire and never come back." Jack told him flatly.

"Aww, I love it so much when you get like that!" Shovel Knight giggled some more.

"FOR F***'S SAKE! GO! TO SLEEP!" Quote yelled at both of them.

And so they slept; Quote and Shovel Knight on the two beds provided, and Jack on the floor.


	9. Microsoft Tower

9 - Microsoft Tower

Up on the roof of Microsoft Tower, thousands of feet above the Earth's surface, the Doctor was gazing up at the sky, contemplating the purpose of his existence.

"Honestly, in the long run, what IS the purpose of living?" the Doctor wondered. "All my life, I've had nothing to really keep me entertained, apart from my eternal pursuit of power. All I wanted was to rule the world."

"Of course you did, you freaking genocidal maniac." Black Knight chuckled, sneaking up behind him and viciously stabbing him in the back. "Got anything dramatic to say NOW, Shakespeare?"

"I...regret...everything that I have done." the Doctor sobbed. "All of the cutesy and cuddly little bunny rabbits that I brutally slaughtered and enslaved in cold blood. All of the Microsoft employees that I threw out onto the streets looking for new jobs. And most importantly, all of the lunch money that I mooched off of my friends in high school."

"Aww, how SWEET of you!" Black Knight spat, flying up into the air and absorbing the Doctor's life force into his body with his blade before throwing the remaining dried-up husk of the Doctor's body right off of the roof. "This is going to be FUN..."

Meanwhile, back on Greed Balcony, our remaining heroes woke up and readied themselves for what would most likely end up being the fight of their lives.

"Alright, now it's time for the final battle! You guys ready?" Quote asked his allies as the three of them woke up. 

"Yeah, let's kick that stupid f***ing med-school dropout's zit-covered ass!" Jack laughed as the three of them turned off the forcefield and walked out of the Prefab House and back onto Greed Balcony. Amazingly, they were already at roughly the center of the balcony, where Microsoft Tower resided.

"This is some serious Dr. Wily s*** right here..." Quote realized as the three of them approached the bridge. "I don't know if we can even do this..."

"WHAT?!" Shovel Knight roared, grabbing Quote by the shoulders and staring straight into his eyes with a rather strong expression of disappointment. "You DARE give up on us in front of ME?! And at THIS hour, of all times?! Son, let me tell you, that is NOT the way of a true warrior!"

"If fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must FIGHT!" Shovel Knight explained as the three of them crossed the data bridge leading into Microsoft Tower. "My father Sword Knight said that, and I bet he knows a LITTLE more about fighting than YOU do, pals, because he INVENTED it!"

"First, he used his gold money to buy two of every dragon on earth!" Shovel Knight continued. "Then he herded them all into a castle, and then he beat the CRAP out of every single one!"

"Cool story, bro." Jack snickered as the three of them reached the front door to Microsoft Tower.

"IDENTIFY YOURSELVES, PLEASE." the door commanded them.

"HELLO, MY NAME IS JACK. I AM A NERD WITH GLASSES. I WORK FOR THE GAME DESIGN DIVISION OF OUR PROUD COMPANY MICROSOFT." Jack said robotically.

"DO YOU PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE UNITED STATES OF MICROSOFT AND GABE NEWELL?" the door asked him.

"YES." he replied.

"ARE YOU A FAT, SWEATY DOUCHEBAG?" the door asked him.

"WELL, YEAH, KIND OF, I GUESS." Jack replied, blushing a little.

"VERY WELL, THEN. YOU MAY ENTER." the door accepted, opening up for our heroes.

"HUH? This place is just your typical office building!" Quote sighed, disappointed by how much sheer hype the story had set up for this place.

"Don't worry, I'm sure there's more to come later on!" Shovel Knight promised him with true retro dignity.

"I mean, come on, seriously, what else could you expect from Microsoft at THIS point?" Jack shrugged, showing a rather distinct lack of ego compared to his allies. "Come on, let's just take this elevator straight up to the top! It's not that hard, you just gotta BELIEVE!"

And so the three of them started dancing and then broke out into a horribly cheesy sing-along rap as they ascended the elevator into the heavens for the grand ultimate final duel of destiny.

SHOVEL KNIGHT: You know there's nothing quite like...  
JACK: There's nothing quite like...  
SHOVEL KNIGHT: A good old brawl!  
JACK: A sweet melee!  
QUOTE: Against the forces of evil!  
SHOVEL KNIGHT: Deplorable sinners!  
JACK: And fat money grubbers!  
QUOTE: And corporate d*** weeds!  
JACK: They're driving me crazy!  
QUOTE: They're f***ing retarded!  
SHOVEL KNIGHT: And I don't understand them!  
QUOTE: And this is their own fault!

"YEAH!" the three of them cheered in unison, high-fiving each other. "GO, INDIES! GO, INDIES! GO, INDIES! GO, INDIES!" 

About a minute or two later, the elevator finally reached its destination at the insanely huge spiral staircase leading up to the roof.

"God damn it, is this REALLY f***ing necessary?!" Jack growled with frustration as the three of them climbed their way up the staircase.

FIVE MINUTES LATER...

"I...can feel...my leg muscles...giving way..." Shovel Knight wheezed in agony.

"How...much...longer...until...the goddamned...TOP..." Jack rasped, crawling on all fours desperately in hopes of making it before he completely passed out from exhaustion.

"Everyone! Look! THERE IT IS! FINALLY!" Quote informed his allies, locating the ladder and ceiling hatch at the top of the staircase with a huge sigh of relief. "Guys, I want you to at least know this; I love you both equally. And not in a gay way, either." he chuckled, prompting Jack to shoot a death glare at Shovel Knight.

"So if we all die here, I want you to at least remember that in your afterlives. Good luck, boys." Quote said with a bittersweet smile as the three of them climbed up onto the roof of Microsoft Tower, there at last.


	10. Knight VS Knight I

10 - Knight VS Knight (PART 1)

"At last, we arrive at the grand balcony of the heavens!" Shovel Knight cheered.

"Why are you celebrating, my DEAR friend?" Black Knight cackled. "Do you remember what you DID to me back in college, BUCKO?"

"Not particularly, old chap." Shovel Knight replied, scratching his head.

"It was something humiliating, wasn't it?" Jack groaned, rolling his eyes.

"Why, yes, you pathetic little furball, it WAS indeed the most humiliating thing imaginable!" Black Knight laughed, sucking the soul out of Jack with his magic powers.

"JACK!" Quote and Shovel Knight screamed as Jack collapsed onto the ground. 

"You...you DISEASE!" Shovel Knight screamed, weeping with rage and sadness. "I work my beautifully toned muscles to the BONE, and THIS is the thanks I get?!"

"Why, yes, I'm afraid it IS!" Black Knight laughed maniacally, trapping Quote behind a forcefield and forcing Shovel Knight to face him one-on-one. "Let's DANCE, motherf***er!"

"NOW IT'S KNIGHT TIME!" Shovel Knight yelled valiantly, brandishing his shovel and charging forward recklessly. "LET THE GAMES BEGIN!"

"NOT SO FAST! METEOR STRIKE!" Black Knight laughed, flying up into the air with his wings and sending a devastating meteorite on a collision course with the roof just as Shovel Knight was about to take a nasty horizontal swing at him. 

"SPUR SHOT!" Quote, who had secretly been charging his Polar Star, yelled at the top of his lungs, firing a huge (albeit much smaller than last time) laser beam and shattering the meteor into a hundred pieces.

"FATAL FEATHERS!" Black Knight yelled, producing deadly spikes from the tips of his wings, folding said wings together, and rapid-firing the spikes like a machine gun at Shovel Knight.

"SPIN CYCLE!" Shovel Knight yelled, rotating his shovel around like helicopter blades and somehow managing to deflect every single spike.

"F*** THIS!" Black Knight yelled in frustration, charging straight down at Shovel Knight with his sword and engaging in a ridiculously epic blade duel with him.

"Any last words, Shovel Boy? Looking forward to the living HELL your life is about to become?" Black Knight laughed psychotically, grinding his sword against Shovel Knight's shovel.

"THIS IS FOR RAPING AND KILLING MY MOTHER!" Shovel Knight cried, head-butting Black Knight in the face.

"THIS IS FOR GIVING ME THE NICKNAME 'PROFESSOR PICKS-HIS-NOSE-IN-PUBLIC' AND HANGING ME BY MY UNDERGARMENTS FROM THE TOP OF THE FLAGPOLE IN COLLEGE!" Black Knight screamed furiously, grabbing Shovel Knight's head, slamming it into the ground and stomping on it with the heel of his boot.

"OH, YEAH? WELL, THIS IS FOR BEING THE MAIN VILLAIN OF THIS STORY!" Shovel Knight yelled, tackling him onto the ground and punching him repeatedly in the face with both arms.

"ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!" Black Knight screamed, pushing Shovel Knight off of him. "YOUR EGO IS FAR TOO MUCH FOR YOU! LET'S JUST SEE HOW GOOD YOU ARE AT TENNIS, SHALL WE?! THERE'S NO DODGING THIS BALL, YOU GODDAMNED MUSCLE HEAD!"

"DARKNESS SPHERE!" Black Knight yelled, gathering an orb of concentrated dark energy into his hand and hurling it directly at Shovel Knight.

"HA! Have you forgotten how powerful my sword is?" Shovel Knight laughed, hitting the ball back with his sword. "It's THE SHOVEL BLADE OF EVIL'S BANE for crying out loud, pay attention to the fine print!"

The cycle of Shovel Knight and Black Knight hitting the ball back and forth continued on like so for about five turns before Black Knight eventually f***ed up and missed.

"AUGGGH!!!" Black Knight yelled in pain as he was hit by his own attack.

"SPUR SHOT!" Quote yelled at the top of his lungs yet again, firing yet another massive laser beam at Black Knight.

"YAGGGGH!!! WRETCHED CHILD!" Black Knight screamed in agony as the beam of light penetrated his darkness barrier, reducing him to kneeling on the ground begging for mercy.

"SURRENDER!" Shovel Knight commanded him.

"NEVER!" Black Knight roared in pain.

"THEN LET ME SEE WHO YOU TRULY ARE!" Shovel Knight yelled angrily, yanking Black Knight's helmet and nearly having a heart attack from sheer emotional shock at what he saw.

"WHAT?! WHO- WHAT- WHO ARE YOU?!" Shovel Knight gasped in bewilderment.

"Shovel Knight...I AM YOUR FATHER." Black Knight revealed at possibly the least expected moment imaginable.

"No...no...NOOOOO!!! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!" Shovel Knight cried in disbelief.

"Well, geez, I didn't really think it was THAT hard to figure out, I mean, after all, I AM a guy who looks just like you and wields a legendary sword, so I thought you'd at least be smart enough to put two and two together, if you catch my drift!" Black Knight ranted in a fit of disappointment.

"YOU'RE THE WORST GODDAMNED FATHER THAT EVER WALKED THE EARTH!" Shovel Knight roared furiously at him.

"I know..." Black Knight shrugged as he flew away to who-knows-where. "Anyway, before we part, here's one last little surprise for you, courtesy of you-know-who..."

"Where in the name of f*** do you guys get all these goddamned remote controls?!" Quote demanded to know as Black Knight pulled out yet ANOTHER remote control.

"Adios, amigos! Hope to see you in Hell!" Black Knight laughed as he pressed the big red button on his remote control.

"MICROSOFT TOWER SELF-DESTRUCT SEQUENCE ACTIVATED! EVACUATE IMMEDIATELY!" the voice of Microsoft Sam warned our heroes as they readied themselves to get the hell out of there as fast as possible.

"Grab Jack and strap him onto your back, we're leaving right now!" Shovel Knight commanded Quote as the two of them made a run for it, jumping back down through the exact same roof hatch that they had made their entrance through.


	11. Knight VS Knight II

11 - Knight VS Knight (PART 2)

Luckily, since Quote and Shovel Knight were now traveling DOWN the stairs as opposed to climbing UP them, they were able to get past the staircase a lot faster. Thankfully, all of the Microsoft Drones had been disabled, but the staircase was already collapsing behind them!

Quote and Shovel made it into the elevator; Shovel Knight slammed his fist on the F1 button so hard that it actually broke, causing the elevator to rocket straight downwards, all the way back down to the bottom of the tower.

"LOOK AT ME, I'M A BIRDIE!" Shovel Knight sang, flapping his arms like an albatross as him and Quote briefly floated in midair before crashing onto the floor.

"SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT!!!" Quote panicked as the two of them ran back out through the lobby and onto the bridge again.

"Dude, censor your f***ing language!" Shovel Knight scolded him as both of them sprinted across the collapsing bridge, chest-diving and face-planting onto the balcony just in time before the whole damned tower exploded and crumbled into oblivion.

"Who is the master who makes the grass green?" Shovel Knight slurred, shaking his head and returning to his senses as a mysterious shadowy figure stood before them.

"For the love of Christ, just GIVE UP already, Black Knight!" Quote yelled angrily at him, pulling his Polar Star out on him.

"I'm afraid that won't be necessary." Black Knight cackled. "It would appear that the cake ingredients are resonating. Becoming one. Becoming whole."

"I know not what you mean! Explain yourself, wretched man-whore!" Shovel Knight yelled at him.

"Foolish child!" Black Knight laughed. "Can't you see? When the legendary Indie Cake is finally assembled, it will set a course for the future depending on what type of people the ones who make it are!"

"So...you just have an insatiable craving to turn every single innocent young man and wench that walks upon this Earth into soulless evil slaves to your black-hearted will?! I...SHALL NOT...STAND FOR THIS!" Shovel Knight roared furiously at him.

"Heh...if you're the type of...THING that passes for GOOD these days, I, for one, would MUCH rather be evil!" Black Knight laughed.

"FOR GOD'S SAKE, WHY?! F***ING EXPLAIN YOURSELF!" Quote and Shovel Knight screamed in anger at him.

"Look within yourself, my son, and you just might see the truth once and for all!" Black Knight told Shovel Knight. 

"I am EVERYTHING you're NOT!" Black Knight yelled at him. "INTELLIGENT! POWERFUL! COURAGEOUS! AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, GRACEFUL!"

"Oh, but alas, your WORDS are as EMPTY as your SOUL! Mankind ILL NEEDS a savior such as YOU!" Shovel Knight informed him.

"HMPH! WHAT is a MAN?! A MISERABLE little PILE of SECRETS!" Black Knight laughed. "But ENOUGH talk! HAVE AT YOU!"

"Here's TRUE power!" Black Knight roared as the rage and hatred within his soul transformed him into his true form; a ten-foot-tall armored minotaur with a giant black sword in each hand.

"DIE!" the beast yelled, slamming both of its swords into the ground; luckily, Shovel Knight rolled right between the beast's legs and drove his shovel right into its tail.

"GYAAAH!!!" the beast roared in pain.

"How did you know that that was his weak point?!" Quote asked him.

"Divine intervention." Shovel Knight replied sarcastically.

"YAAAH!!!" the beast roared as it spun around with both swords extended out, forming a giant spinning sword tornado.

"He's KILLING the antennae!" Shovel Knight told Quote in dismay as the two of them ran for their lives.

"Don't worry, they grow back!" Quote reminded him, lunging into him and shoving him out of the way of the whirlwind that the beast sent flying out of his sword with its final slash.

"With one weak point exhausted, what could the other one be?!" Shovel Knight asked Quote in a fit of desperation as the beast recovered from its dizziness.

"Only one way to find out! SPUR SHOT!" Quote yelled at the top of his lungs, firing a laser beam directly into the beast's d***.

"YAGGGGGHHHHH!!!" the beast wailed in agony, clutching its crotch and collapsing headfirst onto the ground, opening himself up for the final attack from Shovel Knight.

"Go get him, Shovel Knight!" Quote encouraged him.

"EEYAHHHH!!!" Shovel Knight bellowed in a war cry that could be heard from all the way down in New Zork, causing Quote's ears to leak and Jack's to bleed as he charged straight toward the beast's face.

"In the names of Shield Knight, Polar Knight, King Knight, Plague Knight, Mole Knight, Propeller Knight, Tinker Knight, Spectre Knight, Treasure Knight, Shovel Knight and Black Knight...I SHALL NOW STEEL THY MOTHER F***ING SHOVEL AND F***ING END YOU!" Shovel Knight roared, brandishing his shovel to deliver the final blow.

With a slice to the left, a slice to the right, a fancy-ass twirl of the shovel and a brutal stab to the face, Black Knight was finally dead, reduced back into his human form. 

As it turned out, Black Knight had his own digital storage pouch. Therefore, Quote stole the Ego Sprinkles, the last of the three main cake ingredients, from Black Knight's pouch and transferred it into Jack's; now that they had all three ingredients, nothing could stop them.

"Good riddance!" Shovel Knight spat, picking up Black Knight's body. "My mother risked her ever-loving life for me, and you as well, father."

"I should've saved you..." Shovel Knight weeped, getting ready to deliver the worst line in all of video game history.

"I should have been the one to fill your dark soul with LIIIGGGHHHTTT!!!" Shovel Knight screamed at the top of his lungs with a gloriously timed voice crack to top it off, causing Quote to cringe so hard that his face nearly flew off.

"Huh? Where am I? What's going on here? Did we win?" Jack asked, suddenly waking up.

"Not yet." Quote informed him. "Something tells me there's still one more thing to do...WAIT! EVERYONE! INTO THE PREFAB HOUSE!"

"MICROSOFT ISLAND SELF-DESTRUCT SYSTEM ACTIVATED. ISLAND WILL FALL IN TEN MINUTES." Microsoft Sam announced as Quote and Shovel Knight leapt into the mysterious hole that had suddenly appeared in the floor of the Prefab House.


	12. Master Mainframe

12 - Master Mainframe

"Welcome to Master Mainframe." Microsoft Sam welcomed our remaining heroes as they fell down an enormous chasm and landed in one of many huge pools of printer ink in a place that was almost impossible to describe in mere words. They had officially reached the interior of Microsoft Island.

The inside of the island was made out of the exact same stuff as the outside, but here it was even LARGER-scale. 

Colossal towers of wires as thick as a baby's arm were connected between the floors and ceilings, and a lethally-charged field of electrical circuits covered most of the ground here. The entire place was a machine that was fully lit by the lights of its individual sub-machines alone.

"It would appear that this island was formed from the parts of millions of computers joined together into a single, godlike entity." Quote explained as he went through the automated metal hatch into the next room, which was a very long hallway.

"Pinch my cheeks and tell me I'm not dreaming this s***!" Jack begged as Quote sprinted as fast as he could through the enormous hallway, gunning down hordes of Microsoft Drones and narrowly avoiding being crushed by the seemingly infinite number of computers raining down from the ceiling while doing so.

"How do you perform such dauntingly dangerous tasks as this in such an astonishingly fearless manner?!" Shovel Knight yelled at Quote, demanding to know as he slashed at the flying beasts with his shovel.

"Because I've done something very much like this before! In fact, I was already beginning to experience feelings of deja vu the second we arrived here on this island!" Quote yelled back as him and Shovel Knight jumped down the hatch into the next hallway.

"Here! Take one of these jetpacks! I forgot I still HAD them!" Quote yelled, equipping one of his spare Booster 2.0s as Shovel Knight equipped the other.

"Did you know that the company Valve had a fat bastard? His name was Gabe Newell." Microsoft Sam informed our heroes as they jet-packed their way through deadly mazes of electrical computer circuits.

"With the help of his company, he created first-person shooters far beyond those of mere mortals..." Microsoft Sam gloated as Quote fired his Spur Shot right through an otherwise impenetrable cluster of security firewalls, completely wrecking them.

"He hated his customers, and said customers hated him in return." Microsoft Sam explained as Shovel Knight hit Master Chief's frag grenade right back at him with his shovel.

"So, one day, when everyone least expected it, he proved that he quite possibly literally had the birth defect of being completely unable to make a third game in a series." Microsoft Sam continued as Quote gunned down an entire noob squadron of Master Chief suicide bombers with one single well-placed shot to one of the various grenades.

"He delayed Half-Life 3 for such an agonizingly long time that Microsoft decided to lock him up in a forbidden chamber hidden deep within the depths of this island in an attempt to prevent him from delaying the accursed game any longer." Microsoft Sam chuckled as Quote and Shovel Knight flew right through an enormous tunnel of pistons that extended from the floor and ceiling and would have sandwiched them to death if they had moved any more slowly.

"But alas, his curse still remains..." Microsoft Sam sighed, finishing his speech as Quote and Shovel Knight reached the boss guardian of the area...which, as it turned out, was none other than a giant, vertically standing XBOX 360 that somehow levitated in midair.

The thing moved back and forth in the air and attempted to crush Quote and Shovel Knight, but luckily, the two of them were agile enough to avoid being squashed.

Eventually, after about twenty Spur Shots and an innumerable number of Microsoft Drone shovel kills on Shovel Knight's part, the XBOX 360 was defeated.

"LOOK OUT!" Quote screamed, lunging into Shovel Knight and shoving him out of the way yet again as the XBOX 360 fell straight down into the ground one last time and exploded, opening up an enormous hole.

"I will do literally ANYTHING if it means that Half-Life 3 will be released!" Quote yelled with extreme levels of determination in his voice, giving Shovel Knight a high five.

"Count me in, buddy!" Jack agreed before being petted by Quote and purring like a kitten as a result.

"Wait, what's HALF-LIFE again?" Shovel Knight asked as him and Quote jumped straight down into the hole, using their Booster 2.0s to slow their descent.


	13. Last Battle

13 - Last Battle

"Where...ARE we?" Shovel Knight asked as him and Quote landed in a cross intersection of paths. 

"Well, I guess we should probably go through the door that's covered by a bunch of wires if we want to find what we're looking for..." Quote sighed.

"I'm digging this!" Shovel Knight cheered, digging through the tangled cluster of wires blocking the door and then opening it, letting Quote enter first. "After you!" he chuckled as he went through the door into what appeared to be a gallery hallway, with mechanical glass-case pedestals containing game cases of the Half-Life series, the Portal series, and Team Fortress 2.

"Hmm, looks like this is a hallway where Valve's greatest hits are displayed." Quote noticed.

"OH MY GOD, THAT IS SO AWESOME, I WANNA TAKE ALL OF THEM FOR MYSELF!" Jack squealed with excitement, shaking around wildly.

"Yeah, this is a waste of both time and space, we already know what Valve's greatest hits are; more or less ALL of them." Quote shrugged.

"How exactly does one PLAY these video games you speak of?" Shovel Knight asked as him and Quote proceeded into the Final Hallway.

At the end of said hallway, Quote and Shovel saw the holographic ghost of Gordon Freeman from the Half-Life series.

"Please kill my creator." Gordon begged them. "His name is Gabe Newell."

"He is a man who seemingly literally cannot release third games for any of his game series. His delays of my next Half-Life game are far beyond any man's control." Gordon explained, right before the recording ended and he faded away.

"Where did he go?" Shovel Knight asked.

"Given the sheer number of devices here, I honestly have no idea." Quote replied. "Anyway, let's press on! I have a feeling that Gabe's chamber will be right behind this door!"

As Quote and Shovel Knight went through the next and final door, they fell straight down into an enormous chamber with a giant mechanical throne surrounded by gigantic pillars of wire in the center, and a floor carpeted in a sea of broken computer parts.

"Oh, s***, I'm stuck, HELP ME!" Quote panicked, getting stuck in the parts upon landing.

"What are you doing, Quote? GET UP!" Shovel Knight chuckled, digging Quote out of the mess as the two of them approached Gabe, who was standing right in front of his throne in the middle of the room.

"Greetings." Gabe, who was basically just a large and very obese man with glasses, greeted them. "I am Gabe Newell."

"One day, giving up on my fans entirely, I decided that I would literally delay Half-Life 3 for all eternity." Gabe explained. "Of course, as you might imagine, the fans were in an uproar. They raped my fellow employees, burned their houses down and pillaged their apartments."

"As their cries of agony soared above the flames of war, I could only sit in my office and gaze upon the spectacle on YouTube...laughing while doing so." Gabe continued.

"Long have I waited for someone to end my misery and completely exterminate that pesky Half-Life 3 Confirmed meme from the Internet for good. So pwn me...or I WILL PWN YOU!" Gabe laughed maniacally, his eyes opening widely as he attempted to charge straight into Quote and tackle him.

"BACK OFF, NERD!" Shovel Knight yelled at him, knocking him back from whence he came with his shovel.

"I AM GOING TO FREAKING NO-SCOPE YOU BITCHES!" Gabe screamed with rage, pulling out a gatling gun and spraying it directly at Quote and Shovel Knight...or, should I say, their decoys.

"You're lucky I happened to be holding this cloning gun!" Jack informed Quote, tossing the gun aside as it had already ran out of uses. 

"NOW I'M F***ING WITH PORTALS!" Gabe yelled, randomly firing blue portals at the floor around Quote and Shovel Knight in hopes of making them fall through the orange portal that he had strategically placed on the ceiling of the spike-pit chamber beforehand.

"HA! Who were the idiots who claimed that brains beat brawn every time in a freaking FIGHT of all things? Man, what a bunch of JOKERS!" Shovel Knight taunted while him and Quote almost effortlessly dodged literally every single one of Gabe's portals using their Booster 2.0s.

"WHY, YOU MOTHER F***ERS! GET OVER HERE!" Gabe roared in a fit of nerd rage, brandishing a crowbar and making yet another mad charge straight into Quote and Shovel Knight...but forgetting that there was a blue portal in the ground right where he was going.

"HA! Pathetic! Didn't your mother ever tell you to watch where you're running?" Shovel Knight laughed as he bonked Gabe right in the face with his shovel, causing him to fall straight down into the spike pit.

"MY MOTHER WAS A F***ING FATASS WHORE!" Gabe screamed as he fell onto the spikes and died.

"Wow, that sure was easy!" Jack laughed.

"FOUR MINUTES REMAINING UNTIL SELF-DESTRUCT." Microsoft Sam warned them.

"Huh? What's that noise?" Shovel Knight wondered.

"Oh, please don't tell me it's-"

"THAT'S RIGHT, QUOTE, IT'S ME!" Gabe interrupted Quote, flying up through the blue portal and then crashing down onto the ground as...a giant version of his own head!

"IF YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT BIG F***ING EGOS, LOOK AT MINE FOR ONCE IN A F***ING LIFETIME!" Gabe laughed maniacally, leaping into the air and attempting to crush Quote and Shovel Knight.

"HA! Did you forget that we could do THIS?!" Shovel Knight laughed as him and Quote flew right under Gabe's massive head.

"And THIS?!" Quote laughed even under, flying up into Gabe's eye socket and firing a Spur Shot into his eyeball so hard that it literally went all the way through his skull and came out through the other eye socket.

"OUCH!" Jack cringed. "GOD, I don't care what company you're from, that's GOTTA hurt!"

"HA! Who needs EYES when you have VIDEO GAMES?!" Gabe laughed maniacally, summoning a circular barrier of eight Gordon Freeman heads around himself and using it to roll across the wall, floors and ceiling.

"Did you ever consider that there might be a few GAPS in your battle strategy?" Quote snickered as him and Shovel Knight ran right through one of the gaps between the Gordon Freeman heads, with Quote shooting their faces off.

"HA! I SPIT ON YOUR FACES!" Gabe laughed as the four remaining Gordon Freeman heads spat out toxic saliva onto Quote and Shovel Knight from above.

"God DAMN! That f***ing STINGS!" Quote winced as he shot the faces off of the last four Gordon Freeman heads, moving Gabe into his next phase as he levitated himself in midair, an enormous circle of cycling Kinect platforms suddenly appeared around him, and spikes came out of the ground.

"OH, S***! SPIKES! MY ONE WEAKNESS!" Quote and Shovel Knight screamed in unison as they frantically flew up onto said platforms.

"You may have blinded me...you may have humiliated and annoyed me to no end...BUT YOU CANNOT BREAK MY F***ING SPIRIT! I WILL NEVER LET HALF-LIFE 3 COME OUT! NEVER!" Gabe roared in a fit of pure blind rage as his eyes and mouth busted open, spewing out blood and tortured souls as four of his Gordon Freeman heads suddenly grew their faces back and swarms of cursor-arrow-shooting Microsoft Drones flooded in through the pipes in the ceiling.

"Now, I've seen a lot of crazy shit, but THAT...that's just GROSS!" Jack gagged in disgust, referring to Gabe's current state as Quote shot four of the Gordon Freeman heads' faces back off, causing them to bounce around on the ground while the other four remained, slowly spinning around Gabe.

"Quote, my armor can't take this forever! You've GOT to end this!" Shovel Knight yelled at Quote while being bombarded with arrows.

"I CAN'T!" Quote yelled back. "MY GUN'S OUT OF ENERGY!"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, IT'S OUT OF ENERGY?! Well, I guess there's only one thing to do, then! JACK! C'mere, boy!" Shovel Knight replied, flying over onto the platform that Quote was standing on and untying Jack from Quote's back.

"Alright, you ready, Jack?" Shovel Knight asked as him and Jack went onto the platforms directly next to Gabe. "One, two, FREE!"

"YAAAAHHHHH!!!" Jack roared rabidly, foaming at the mouth as he pounced into Gabe's left eye socket and mauled the living shit out of it while Shovel Knight slashed the living shit out of his right.

"WHAT IS THIS...HOW...HOW COULD YOU...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Gabe screamed in agony as he overloaded with sheer rage and exploded into a million pieces, leaving our heroes...standing in an empty room, covered with blood.


	14. The Cake Is A Pie

14 - The Cake Is A Pie

"ONE MINUTE REMAINING UNTIL SELF-DESTRUCT." Microsoft Sam informed our heroes, causing them to have a truly terrible, very awful realization.

"We're f***ing trapped in here!" Quote shrugged. "There's literally nothing we can do except WAIT for this f***ing place to go KABOOM!"

"Why must these types of places always have self-destruct sequences?!" Shovel Knight ranted.

"WAIT! I THINK I HEAR A FAMILIAR VOICE!" Jack informed everyone. "Wait for it...WAIT FOR IT...UMMMFHHH!!!" 

"HUZZAH, EVERYBODY!" Balrog, a freaking anthropomorphic toaster robot with tribal face-paint, bellowed as he busted through the ceiling. "HUH? What's that thing I suddenly feel squirming beneath me?"

"YOU...LANDED...RIGHT...ON TOP OF ME..." Jack rasped, gasping for air.

"Oh, HEY THERE, Mr. Pancake!" Balrog laughed, peeling the cartoonishly flattened Jack off of his feet and re-inflating him with CPR. 

"Good old Balrog!" Quote laughed as Shovel Knight scooped Jack out of Balrog's arms and nuzzled his big fluffy ears. 

"Anyway, what do you want?" Quote asked Balrog, suddenly becoming serious.

"I wanna take you guys home, ya hear?" Balrog explained. "We're gonna have a TEA PARTY! It's gonna be lots of FUN!"

"Um, dude, you're kind of creeping me out." Jack shuddered.

"Who? Me or him?" Shovel Knight asked, setting Jack down onto the ground.

"Come on, guys, there's no more time for this! HOP ON!" Quote beckoned to his friends as they all hopped onto Balrog with him.

"I'M FLYING! WHEEEEEEEE!!!" Balrog cheered as he flew up into the air with his arm wings, with Quote, Jack and Shovel Knight riding on top of him.

"JUST KIDDING! THERE NO LONGER IS A SELF-DESTRUCT SEQUENCE! FOOLED YOU!" Microsoft Sam told them as they took off.

"So GABE was what was pulling the island down!" Quote realized.

"Wow, what an asshole!" Jack laughed.

"Aww, look who's talking!" Shovel Knight giggled, pinching Jack's beady little nose.

"I'M GONNA PINCH YOUR FREAKING BALLS OFF!" Jack raged at him.

"OH! How RUDE of you!" Shovel Knight scolded him, smacking him lightly on the shoulder.

"Looks like this been a REAL fantastic adventure for you guys! Perhaps even, dare I say, a CAVE STOR-"

"Don't even f***ing go there." Quote warned him, cracking his knuckles.

"WAAH! I just wanted to make you LAUGH!" Balrog cried.

"Then just go and be a CLOWN or something!" Jack suggested.

"You know what? I think I WILL do that!" Balrog smiled as the four of them arrived back at Quote's apartment building in New Zork City.

"Goodnight, everyone! Sweet dreams!" Balrog waved to the three roommates.

The next morning, Jack woke up to find Shovel Knight sleeping naked right next to him.

"JESUS F***ING CHRIST!" Jack screamed. "YOU DID NOT JUST-"

"Oh, yes I did, sweetie!" Shovel Knight blushed.

"I...I...I..." Jack stuttered, clearly at a loss for words.

"I what?" Shovel Knight asked.

"I don't want to live on this planet anymore." Jack said flatly. "Also, I need a shower now. A very, very LONG one."

"And a HARD one, I presume?" Shovel Knight teased him, hopping into the shower with him.

"Do you seriously WANT me to strangle you with your own goddamned intestines?" Jack asked him. "Anyway, where the hell is Quote?"

"He's got the cake all set up at the Mega Bakery across the street. We need to leave QUICKLY so that we can arrive at the party on time!" Shovel Knight explained.

ONE SHORT SHOWER LATER...

"Wow, that's one HELL of a cake!" Shovel Knight cheered as Quote used his iPhone to teleport the thirty-foot-tall, ten-foot-wide cake onto the central plaza in Times Square.

"FRISBEES! FRISBEES FOR EVERYONE!" Balrog cheered with his big red nose and his polka-dotted bow tie and his floppy shoes and his cheesy mustache and his little top hat, juggling paper plates and tossing them to everyone, making everyone smile and laugh like a real clown should but usually doesn't.

"This cake is NOT a lie! CHOW DOWN, EVERYBODY!" Quote yelled through a megaphone as over 50 people got out their forks and knives and dug into the massive cake.

THREE MINUTES LATER...

"OH, I feel SO gross..." Jack burped and hiccuped.

"MAN, that tasted almost as scrumptious as your feet, Jack!" Shovel Knight teased him, guzzling down the other half a keg of beer.

"My WHAT?" Jack asked, blushing and wiggling his toes. "Here, I'll let you lick them, but just once, okay?" he said, sitting down with his soles pointing straight out at Shovel Knight's face.

"Greetings-a, every-a-body!" Mario greeted everyone as he pulled into Times Square in a limousine. "It's-a me, Mario, the-a mayor of-a New-a Zork-a City, and I would like-a to-a thank-a these-a fine-a young-a gentlemen-a for-a saving-a this-a city!"

"I'm-a eater of-a lin-a-guine and-a pasta!" Jack muttered under his breath.

"As-a congratulations for-a their-a brave-a and-a courageous-a efforts, I'm-a presenting the-a Medal of-a Lin-a-guine and-a Pasta to-a them-a!" Mario concluded, placing one medal each around Quote's, Jack's and Shovel Knight's necks, for a total of three.

"I fricking knew it..." Jack groaned, facepalming from how shockingly accurately he had just portrayed Mario's Italian-caricature accent.

"Want-a me-a to-a take-a you to-a Central-a Park?" Mario asked New Zork's new heroes.

"Sure, why not?" Quote agreed.

In Central Park, there was a whole marching band parade going on in honor of the four new heroes, and two of them (I bet you can already guess who) were standing on a small wooden bridge together as fireworks filled the sky with fabulously colorful explosions.

"Look, Jack!" Shovel Knight cheered ecstatically. "Already, our world is returning to HARMONY! The BIRDS are singing! Isn't it BEAUTIFUL?!"

"Well, I guess that's worth a kiss, huh?" Jack asked, smiling embarrassedly as the two of them were being recorded on public broadcasting video cameras.

"Right on the lips of my glorious pie-hole! ANY time, little munchkin!" Shovel Knight giggled, taking his helmet off, squeezing Jack in his arms so hard that his eyeballs almost popped out, and kissing him right on the lips.

"HA! GAYYY!!!" Quote jumped in out of nowhere and commented dutifully. 

To make a long story short, indie games finally started getting more of the love that they deserved, and the death of Gabe Newell's video-game-world counterpart made Half-Life 3's release officially confirmed for 2016. Also, Jack and Shovel Knight got married.

"How do you plea, young bride?" the priest asked the obviously crossdressing Jack at their wedding ceremony.

"Please kill me." Jack replied, almost pissing himself from sheer embarrassment as Shovel Knight and the audience showered him with fake plastic roses.

"Quote of the f***ing YEAR!" Quote snickered, causing several audience members to glare at him as Jack and Shovel Knight walked out and entered their honeymoon limosuine.

Oh, and don't worry; none of the video game characters in this story actually died. Why? Because they're fricking video game characters, dumbass!

"It is not necessary for you to lavish quite so much attention on this story. I hope that this story is not disturbing your everyday routine, because that would be highly illogical." Spock informed you from his nice and cozy seat on the Starship Enterprise while feeding his new pet Seaman.

"My knowledge of your voice grows ever more complete!" Seaman cackled evilly.

TO BE CONTINUED? F*** IT, THE END


End file.
